Why Is He Acting Clingy After Choosing Someone Else?
When a guy suddenly acts clingy after choosing someone else, it can mess with your head.
If he wanted someone else, why is he still trying to pull your attention back?
Here is the honest answer: sometimes a man does not get clingy because he is in love. Sometimes he gets clingy because you did not chase him, and his ego does not know what to do with that.
Reader Question: Why Is He Being Clingy After Choosing Someone Else?
Let’s get the easy stuff out of the way: I am 22; the male in question is 21.
We are both ultra-boring white kids who grew up in Catholic school, although not the same one. Insert laugh here.
So, I am not really into clingy. That is something I make sure to note to anyone with whom I speak, be it friend, foe, or significant other. Not so into the last one, as I do not typically date.
I also have pre-defined relationship views and decisions, already made and ready to go, should I ever idiotically enter into one. They are simple things, mostly. For example, telling the guy how often I am comfortable being contacted and how easily annoyed I get if certain lines are crossed.
I make sure to tell whatever unfortunate male thinks dating me is a good idea in advance, and usually it works out pretty well.
For example, I might say, “Hey, I am perfectly okay with kissing, but not so into the sex thing, so do not get too excited.” Insert a wink and a smile, and they are usually already laughing. And they respect the boundaries.
Maybe I have just gotten lucky.
Whatever.
The male in question was respectful of those boundaries, although I feel they may have made him insecure because he asks a lot of, “Do you think this is too clingy?” type questions.
Or maybe he is just open to lines of communication. I was hoping for the latter, but probably not the case in point.
He is, um. You know. 21.
Anyway, I lost my virginity to him two days ago, and yesterday he called and asked me to come over and stay the night.
Reasons I said no:
- The dog was sick.
- I had been up since 5 a.m.
- I was entirely too exhausted to drive two hours to see him.
Those three combined formed this sentence to him: “Not tonight.”
Do not get me wrong. I am heartless, but I did explain the first two reasons as well.
So. 21. Yes. Must mention that again.
This morning, he calls with a, “You know how I make rash decisions…?” and you can probably guess the rest from there. He found another girl with whom to share his bed.
He sounded apologetic on the phone.
I just said, “Well, best of luck in your new relationship.”
So that is most of the situation. I do not think it is worth getting mad over something like that. If he wants to be with someone else or becomes upset enough to do whatever he did for whatever reason he formed in his head, he is more than welcome.
I also do not think it is worth trying to work it out when it happened so early. Really, thank heavens. Later in the relationship may have led to me being less rational about it.
What I am failing to understand is WHY OH WHY he is being ridiculously clingy right now.
I assumed I had done something, other than the not-coming-over thing, to prompt all of that. I would think sleeping with someone else is one of those, “I do not want to be with you anymore” things. Or maybe he thinks that is okay and we can move on. Or even better, a way of saying, “I am not that into you.”
I am so failing to understand this.
My guess is immaturity mixed with a strange understanding of how the world works, as in his behavior is okay because of whatever rationale he formed in his head to explain it away. But he is not giving me “GO AWAY” signals. He is giving me the exact opposite.
If I had said, “Yes, I am angry,” when he asked if I was mad, would that have helped? Not really into lying, but still.
Seriously.
WHAT is going on?
The Honest Guy’s Answer
First of all, you really sound like the type of girl who does not believe in love, or at least has a pretty rough perception of relationships in general.
I get why. You are trying to protect yourself. You have rules. You have boundaries. You have already decided what lines are not getting crossed before the guy even gets comfortable enough to test them.
That is not always a bad thing.
But be careful with having a complete rulebook for every relationship before the relationship even exists. Every relationship is different. If you go into all of them already expecting the guy to annoy you, trap you, cling to you, or disappoint you, you may end up creating distance before the other person even has a chance.
Now, to your actual question.
I do not think you did anything wrong by saying no. You were tired. Your dog was sick. He lived two hours away. A normal guy may be disappointed, but he does not need to punish you for that.
What probably happened is this: when some guys feel challenged, especially around sex or rejection, their ego gets involved. He wanted you to come to him, spend the night, and probably keep the physical side of things going with very little effort from him.
Are you kidding me?
From a lazy guy’s point of view, that is the dream. Have the girl drive two hours to him, stay the night, and give him exactly what he wants.
When you said no, he did not handle it maturely.
So he did what he was probably going to do sooner or later anyway: he found someone else.
That is the old “hit it and quit it” behavior. Crude phrase, but it fits.
At first, he may have seemed interested after you slept together, but that may have been because he wanted to keep the access going as long as possible with the least effort possible. When you did not play along, he moved on fast.
Here is the part that probably threw him off: your reaction was not what he expected.
I mean, come on. I did not even expect that from a girl who just lost her virginity to a guy and then got told two days later that he was with someone else.
You did not cry, beg, explode, or chase. You said, “Best of luck in your new relationship.”
That probably hit his ego harder than any angry speech would have.
So now you are a challenge again.
That explains why he is suddenly acting clingy. Not because he discovered deep love overnight. Because he did not get the emotional reaction he expected, and now he wants to know if he can still get your attention.
What About The New Girl?
Yeah, the new girl.
I have a feeling this girl, and probably other girls, existed before you came around. The only difference is you did not know about it.
That is not a guaranteed fact, but from a guy’s perspective, the way this happened does not look like some brand-new love story. It looks like he had options, wanted convenience, and used the “rash decision” line to make it sound less ugly than it was.
Do not romanticize that.
Quick Answer: He Is Acting Clingy Because You Did Not Chase
Quick answer: you are not the clingy one here. You are the opposite of clingy. You set a boundary, accepted his decision, and did not throw a fit.
That is exactly what threw him off.
He probably expected you to be hurt, jealous, angry, or desperate to win him back. Instead, you basically said, “Best of luck,” and kept your dignity.
Now he is acting clingy because he wants to know if he still has access to your attention.
That does not mean he wants a real relationship.
It means he wants to know if he still matters.
Why A Guy Acts Clingy After Choosing Someone Else
A guy can act clingy after choosing someone else for a few reasons:
- He expected you to care more than you did.
- He wanted to feel like he still had power over you.
- He liked the attention and does not want to lose it.
- He wants to keep you as an option.
- He is immature and does not understand his own behavior.
- He liked the chase more than the relationship.
That is the part women often miss.
His clinginess does not automatically mean he regrets what he did. It may just mean he does not like that you handled it calmly.
Interest Vs Ego
- Interest respects a no.
- Ego gets irritated by a no.
- Interest shows up with effort.
- Ego shows up when it feels ignored.
- Interest wants to fix the damage.
- Ego wants to know if it can still get a reaction.
What You Should Do Next
Do not compete with the new girl.
Do not apologize for having a boundary.
Do not let his sudden clinginess make you think he is now serious.
And definitely do not let him turn this into a game where he acts wounded because you did not drive two hours after being awake since 5 a.m.
You can be honest if he asks:
“I am not angry. I just do not see the point in continuing this after what happened.”
That is enough.
The Honest Truth
Here is the honest truth: this guy showed you what he does when he does not get what he wants.
He did not handle it with maturity. He did not respect the timing. He made a “rash decision,” then came back acting clingy because your reaction did not give him the emotional payoff he expected.
That is not a man you need to chase.
That is a man you should study for about five seconds, learn from, and keep moving.
