Long story short: My husband and I are both 31 and have a 4-year-old daughter. I love her more than anything, but we had her early on in our relationship. I went back to study when I was pregnant with her and we’ve struggled financially. Had to live with my controlling in-laws. They said they’d help us get back on our feet. Instead kicked us out and said they’d increase the days with my daughter at our place.
Fast forward- they never did and I begged my husband to do something. He was working a lot, has Aspergers (only found out later) and told me it was “my problem”. My husband blames me for everything and blames me for not working. I try EVERYTHING to get a part-time job.
My in-laws file for custody and get interim custody. My life feels like its falling apart.
Now: My husband constantly blames me for everything. He buys a franchise for me to work. But it’s been much harder than the company makes out. The fees are VERY HIGH and combined with rent, it’s been very stressful. We work together but it’s not working. I wish we never bought this business.
Here at The Last Honest Guy, I pride myself on giving honest and wise advice from a neutral point of view. Since I don’t know you, I don’t have to sugar coat things or even try to be “nice” about the response I’m about to give you. This is what it’s referred to as “tough love”.
Sounds like you never learn from any of your mistakes and always wants to blame someone else for your misery.
In the brief description that you’ve given me, you’ve made up an excuse for practically everything that’s wrong in your life.
First, you made up an excuse for having a 4-year-old child by saying “we had her early on in our relationship”.
Your in-laws were kind enough to take your entire family in until you guys could get “back on your feet”, which honestly sounds like a bailout and probably the reason why you still haven’t learned to be self-sufficient, but you’re still complaining for them kicking you out sooner than you thought they would–which I’m sure they had a good reason for.
Then, your husband buys you your own business so that he can guarantee that you’ll never get fired from it, but yet, that’s still too much work and too stressful for you? Geez! Nothing in life is easy!
On top of all that, if I understood correctly, it sounds like your in-laws got custody of your child which doesn’t happen often unless you’re some kind of drug addict, drunk, have mental issues or you’re a violent person.
Quite honestly, based on everything you just said, I do think there’s way more to this story than what you’ve told me and I’m willing to bet that at 31, you do have some other kind of problem. I would highly recommend you take this analysis as a wakeup call and not as an insult. If you can do this, you are in the right track to admitting that you may have a more serious problem and hopefully you seek a professional to help you. Think about your daughter and realize that she derseves a better future with responsible and healthy parents.
These days it seems like you’d be hard-pressed to find a marriage that truly lasts. Ten years in and people call it quits because they’re bored or no longer attracted to each other. They forget how hopeful there were, how in love they were and decide to throw in the towel rather than work it out. Granted, some people should get divorced because, perhaps, they should have never gotten married to begin with, but what about the rest? Are they lazy or just short-sighted? Just this past week I went to a beautiful 60 thousand dollar wedding showcasing the Modest MadameBridal Collection only to have it bookended with the news of two fresh divorces, one to a newly married couple and one not so new.
Is there hope? Can our relationships last the test of time? Can we be like our grandparents who have made it 40+ years or are our times different?
With the advent of internet and social media, I think it does get harder to build and maintain a healthy and happy marriage, but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible. Prove to everyone else that you don’t have to be apart of the 50% divorce statistic. You can do so by using some of these relationship building tips whether you’re getting married, want to get married or already are.
Communication is single-handedly the most important aspect of your marriage. You are doomed to fail if you can’t communicate effectively with one another. Be open about your needs, emotions, fears and desires. Don’t be afraid to ask for what you need. Bottling up your emotions won’t get you anywhere and will ultimately cause you to be resentful. Talk through your issues, work on the disagreements and as the old adage goes, never go to bed angry.
Honesty and trust fall shortly behind communication. What’s the point in being together if you can’t trust each other? Jealousy can be the fast track to frustration and separation. Keep your fears in check by being honest with each other and being able to trust one another. Effectively communicating will in turn help you build up these two aspects.
Keeping your sex life interesting is also very important. You want the fire to burn, the desire to grow and still feel insatiable towards one another, because without sex, what do you have? A really great best friend. There will be times when you go through ruts, when you get bored and even when you’re not attracted to one another. You’re going to have to work on it. It will take attention, creativity and communication. And hey, sometimes even just a little dirty talk and Adam & Eve lingerie can go a long way.
You’ll also want to set goals with one another, as they give you something to both work towards and be apart of. Think of career aspirations, travels, and even personal hobbies that you would like to focus on and set goals to reach them together. Doing so will help you build a stronger bond and greater sense of personal satisfaction.
Money can become a major issue in marriages. You may even find that it becomes your biggest fight. Avoid yelling over the bills by setting a budget from the get go. Figure out what you make, what your bills are and how you can both feasibly leave within if not under your means. Discuss big purchases and remember that it isn’t just you and your own bank account anymore. The days of going out to buy expensive shoes on a whim just may be over. For now.
Make a commitment to each other that you will make time to talk to one another daily, spend time with one another and to actively work on your marriage. Recognize that there will be hard times physically, mentally and emotionally and commit to be there for one another during those moments. Marriage isn’t going to be easy, but it can be great and very rewarding. Get there by keeping each other in the present and reminding each other why you wanted to married in the first place.
Finally, have your own life. The key to a happy marriage starts within yourself. Your partner can’t be responsible for your happiness, you gotta get there on your own. So maintain your own friends, hobbies and interests. Do what makes you feel good and happy and in turn, your partner will be happy too.
I could really use honesty. My husband and I have been together for 13 years married 7 this December. We have 2 small children together ages 6 and 7 and I have 2 older. 1 out of the house the other 15 (female). We have always had a loving relationship, supportive. He’s my best friend. My husband has always worked hard and played hard. About two years ago he started using drugs. The past 9 months I believe he has been doing something harder. The past 6 months he has completely changed. Does not hang with closest friends, been staying out all night at least 3 to 4 nights a week. He always told me need to quit drinking, just having fun. Well I found him at the house of his best friends ex 11 pm about a month ago. A friend of ours cared enough about me to at least give me a name and then the rest all made sense. He came home we talked or basically I cried he made up bullshit excuses as to y he was there. I then found a text on his phone. I don’t look at his phone but he fell asleep with it open on his lap. I wasn’t really expecting to see anything but I did see a revealing message from this woman or to this woman how they missed cuddling, goodnight love you had fun tonight(was supposed to be out with a bud) Who of course insists my husband isn’t cheating. He has been home every night since I found him at her house and has been somewhat more affectionate though I sense there is something still going on. I have asked to see detailed wireless bill online and he will not give me password and phone company will not help me because my name is not on the account. I love this man. We have built a life together I do not want to lose him and I do not know what to do. Every time I bring up this person which he says is just a friend he tells me I’m crazy also said I was crazy and did not know what I saw when I read the text. He tells me he loves me does not want anyone else but I feel he is still speaking with her and will under no circumstances admit any wrong doing. I just want my husband and the life we had before. I have always given him space and freedom, treated his friends as family and taken care of the kids, bills etc. Do I back off? I need some advice badly. Thank you. (more…)
Hello, Last Honest Guy!
I’m a 27 year old woman married to a 27 year old man. We had been in a 3 year long monogamous relationship prior to our marriage, with no real plans to make it official, but we married almost 4 years ago out of necessity when he enlisted in the Navy. It was either get hitched or never see him again, and the pre-existing stability, security, and comfort were too good for either of us to refuse. I deeply respect and cherish my marriage and my husband (even my in-laws!). Truly there is no one else on earth that is as good to me as he has been. He is exceedingly practical, hard working, fiscally solid, a homebody, emotionally withdrawn, intellectually beyond brilliant, physically large and imposing, and utterly alpha. I believe he considers me to be his, to protect and to provide for. Our relationship borders on master and pet at times; though he would never insist on it being that way, I know he enjoys it.
The problem I’m having stems from potential infidelity, on both sides. My husband is currently on an 8 to 10 month deployment to the Mediterranean. I am not unfamiliar with the culture of the Navy (shipmates wouldn’t dare air out someone else’s dirty laundry), about my husband’s epicurean tendencies… for instance he enjoyed hard partying and going to strip clubs, mentioning it later to me, off-handedly, while he was temporarily assigned to a station near New Orleans. I honestly believe him when he says he doesn’t care about other people enough to develop a relationship with them, but that didn’t stop the myriad of one-nighters in the past. He has not cheated on me to my knowledge, but he willingly admits cheating on exes. The old adage, “Once a cheater always a cheater,” plus the sheer ability to cheat while on the other side of the globe in fabulous Italy? It’s got me in a heightened security state, we’ll say. But I’m not innocent either, at all, and this is the real meat of my story. As much as I love my husband, I am still in love with a man I knew (and slept with) in high school. He’s similar yet very different than my husband: vivacious and charismatic, social and intellectual, and very proud. We met and I immediately felt like he was something special… no one else in my life has electrified me the way he does, and he knows it.
For nearly 10 years I’ve suppressed an intense physical and mental attraction to him; that suppression led to some very saucy dreams, I must say. We chatted passively over the Internet, but lived in different states. However, since I’ve been home, we recently met over a few beers (which was probably a dumb idea). The depth of passion that he brought out in me just by being physically close was shocking, especially as compared to the comfortable rut of my relationship with my husband. I was extremely honest (and moderately drunk) with him about how I felt, and while he was honest in return about wanting to sleep with me, he admirably deflected my more obvious advances. He seemed to enjoy flirting, as always, but was talking a hell of a lot more than usual since I’m sure we were both nervous even with the liquid courage. It had been 10 years, after all. Even still, it took all I had not to jump him then and there, and he could tell. The worst part of my side of this story is that I’m only a phone call away from sleeping with this man. My husband has been clear about his feelings on extra-marital relationships: with other women it’s fine, but when another man enters the scene, his alpha male-ism flares up like a wildfire. It literally comes down to primal instincts, and he actually used the words “breeding rights”! So here’s the rub: I want to sleep with my high school lover. When I want something, all nuance flies out the window and I take that bull by the horns. He seems well aware of how bad an idea this is, but we think on the same wavelength and I know he wants me, too. I’m desperately in love with him, and to him, I’m the one that got away.
Is there a way to solve this for all parties? I know I’m looking for excuses to make it OK, and that’s not OK, but one more night of racy dreams in an empty bed will have me howling at the moon. Should I tell my husband any part of this? I’m a diehard “brutal honesty” kind of gal, but it seems risky to even bring up the prospect. Should I break off contact entirely with my old lover? Suffering silently through 10 more years of insane attraction is a bummer, too. The male points of view would be pretty awesome at this point!
A faithful but frustrated wife
I’m at a loss, here. I’m trying not to be angry so I don’t push him away. The problem is, he looks at porn every time I’m away. I’m talking when I’m asleep, showering, walking the dog, getting dressed for work, cooking dinner, talking to the neighbor on the porch, running to the bank, at work, etc. He looks at hentai and, although not always, masturbates whenever he gets the chance. He’s done it while I nap on the sofa in the same room. Many times he does this only hours after turning down sex with me. He says he loves me and finds me attractive, but I feel like I must be revolting if he’d rather have his hand. We moved in together about 6 months ago and had sex up to 3 times a day until we got internet. Today is day 5 w/o sex. I came home from work and, even though I could barely keep my eyes open, made several attempts at intimacy. He shrugged off each try. We went to bed and I tried again. He pretended to be falling asleep, but got up as soon as I fell asleep and spent the next few hours looking at porn and, from the subtle evidence he failed to hide, I know he got off. I feel rejected and unattractive. I’ve tried asking him about fantasies, but how do I role play a gel girl? Help, please. (more…)
My husband and I have been married for over two years, and have been together for almost 7 years. I have always trusted my husband and we have been able to be honest about everything. Or so I had thought. Recently, I was loading digital pictures to the computer. When I was looking for the file to save them to, I came across a photo file labeled “stuff”. I clicked it and found several pornographic pictures. Now, this is not what I have the concern about. My husband has been honest about the fact that he looks at pornography. He even keeps his collection of Playboys on a bookshelf in our office. But, within this file was a file of non-pornographic pictures of women he knows. Some are co-workers of his, some are friends and there are even some pictures of his last serious ex girlfriend. Now, these are not old pictures. Some were saved as recently as last month ( I know this because they include pictures of a pregnant friend who just recently had her baby.) These are pictures that he has saved from their Facebook pages. I understand that some people often fantasize about people they know, but should I be concerned that he has a file of these photos? He has always told me that he was once cheated on by a girlfriend, so he would never cheat, but am I wrong to feel that this is a violation of trust, too? And how do I tell him that I know about this file. I have never felt the need to snoop through his stuff, but now I don’t know what to trust. I would love to hear your opinion of the situation. Thank you! (more…)