Going out with two guys who happen to be friends

by The Last Honest Guy

Dear Last Honest Guy,

I am going out with two guys who happen to be friends. Let’s call them Tom and Jerry. Tom and Jerry are both from the same culture (different from mine).

I first met Tom and he was at first vocal about his interest in me. We go out regularly but he has this bad habit of not keeping in touch. When we’re together though we always have a great time. He just has this one track mind and focuses only on what he has on his plate for the moment. Anyway, I’ve established that he doesn’t want to be my boyfriend and that is fine with me. He is graduating soon. I’m comfortable with the idea that I will only be seeing him for the duration of the time that he’s here.

Now Jerry and I met shortly after I met Tom. I would find out later that Jerry wanted to ask me out too. But since he didn’t, we got into this easy friendship. We talk daily. Recently however, Jerry asked me out. I thought about it and I am not averse to the idea. I figured since I am not committed to anyone, I am not accountable to anyone.

On one occasion however, Tom called me while I was out with Jerry. I would call him back later that evening and Tom never said anything about my going out with Jerry. On a second occasion, Tom called me and I told him I was out with Jerry again. This irritated him and soon after we talked about it.

You see, I have always been reasonable in dealing with relationships. I have told Tom pointblank that when he doesn’t keep in touch with me I feel so distant from him. I have noticed that he has been exerting more effort to keep in touch during the week after that talk. Anyway, he said he felt irritated that I went out but then he realized that he can’t expect anything from me that he can’t do himself. He said if he sees me once a week or if he gets to spend time with me when he can he is fine with that. He understands that I may need more time than that. So he said it is okay with me to go out with other people.

I thought he didn’t need to tell me that because I still go out with other people. After all, I don’t want to just keep waiting by the phone and wait for him to take me out when it is convenient for him.

Anyway, lately though Tom has exerted more effort to see me. Jerry on the other hand keeps trying to see me everyday.

I know I can’t keep this up. In the end I will have to choose. But I want to choose when I am comfortable and when I want to already. I admit I am more attracted to Tom than Jerry despite the easy friendship Jerry and I have. Otherwise I shouldn’t bother with Tom anymore when Jerry is so into me and wants to be my boyfriend.

However, in the grand scheme of things, these guys are transients in my life. This will not give me ‘forever’. Their culture has already determined that.

I feel like Jerry is more emotionally invested in me. I feel that should I decide to stop seeing Tom, Tom will be okay with it. Tom is used to being alone after all. And I’ve already determined that he can only be emotionally invested in me to an extent.

Last Honest Guy, am I being selfish if I keep seeing both of them? I don’t want to make a decision just yet. I admit I like the attention I am getting. However, I still have to figure out how I feel about both.

If I am to be wise about this I would just walk away and not choose either one of them at all. I think I am infatuated with Tom though. Yet I do care for Jerry.. and from the looks of how things are going I am not averse at the thought of him being my boyfriend. But I can’t quit on Tom just yet.

I am being fickle, am I not? Last Honest Guy, what do you think I should do?

I admit, other than these guys I also keep in touch with other people. But these two are the only ones I go out on dates with on a regular basis.

I don’t really know what to ask you. I just thought I would vent and get your POV. (more…)

Dating a guy who recently divorced

by The Last Honest Guy

I met a guy through an online dating site. We had two great dates with absolutely no physical contact. On the third date he invited me over for dinner. After dinner we finally kissed. Due to icy roads, I ended up staying the night. We stayed up all night talking and eventually had awesome sex. Then again in the morning as well. He is one year divorced after his wife cheated and hadn’t slept with anyone… just beginning to date. Since that day we have seen each other but nothing physical and only in public. He says he really wants to take things slow and not jump into anyth but that his goal is a relationship. He is, of course still dating other people online. So, he calls or texts throughout the day and takes me out. He says he thinks I’m great. Do guys just keep a girl around for attention like girls do? There’s not even been a window for sex again, so I don’t think that’s his goal. Do guys really need to date around to know if they want to be serious with you? It’s not like I’m ready to marry the guy, but I think five dates is enough to know if you like someone or not, right? If he genuinely is interested but wants to go slow and keep options open, what’s the best way to approach him? (more…)

Is it a good idea to date a frat boy?

by The Last Honest Guy

I met this guy my first year in University. We talked via text messages for a while until I invited him over to hang out and watch a movie. We ended up sleeping together the second time he visited and slept together a few more times after that. I wanted a relationship, but he claimed to be too busy (he worked part-time, went to school full-time, and was part of a frat). We never went out on dates and he always came over to my place. I know, typical F Buddy status, so I stopped talking to him.

Fast forward, one year later, he ends up sending me a message via Facebook asking me how I’m doing and if I still have the same number. We exchange a few text messages over the course of one or two months, but lose touch again.

It’s now year 3, and we recently started talking again. He contacted me via Facebook IM one day and we started talking, just about general stuff. And then he told me that he missed me and that he wanted to see me. I spent so much time debating if I should let him come over or not because of our past, but finally gave in. We spent about 3 hours on my sofa just catching up on everything and then he started in on how he missed me and that he had screwed up when he let me go the first time and he wasn’t planning on losing me again. I ended up falling for this, and ended up in bed with him that night, and he stayed with me the whole night, something he never did before. He ended up coming over a few more times, always calling/texting the day of.

I got that, “maybe he’s just using me again vibe” and stopped talking to him for a while, always telling him that I had something going on and that I wouldn’t be able to see him. Yet again, he came, claiming that he missed me and that he had to see me. He’s been coming over a lot more lately, and actually making future plans with me for things like Valentine’s Day. Because I like to go back home on the weekends, we never get to hang out and he always sends me text messages asking me when I’ll be back, telling me he misses me and to come back already. Am I wrong to question his feelings for me or is he just using me? (more…)

Did he really want to be with me cuz he loved me?

by The Last Honest Guy

Hello:)

I really need advise on a decision I recently made to break up with my bf after 6 months(knew each other for 1yr) we are both mainly Caucasian and I’m 24 and he’s turning 24 in a few months. When we first met he was so excited to be with me. We broke up a few months ago due to a minor misunderstanding as he has health issues and I was getting on him about it cuz I care and he thought I was criticizing him but I wasn’t…

He begged me to go back out with him and 3 or 4 months later it was our anniversary and I dumped him this time. My reasoning being is the relationship was making me upset. He didn’t show any interest anymore to me of wanting us to last. The romance kinda went out the window. We were at a party and he totally forgot to introduce me around and he blew me off. Another guy came up in front of me and asked my name and made a comment to him about how its his duty and that he should be a better bf. The kid offered me food but I was just so hurt from the embarrassment :'(.

Its just things like that, that makes his words “I love u” seem just like that…words. He doesn’t go out of his way to try and please me like I do him. Then when I dumped him he got upset and said he hasn’t been himself and he’s been stressed out but he never tells me what’s going on. When we were together it got to a point where I had to look at his fb page to see what was up with him. Now that I’ve dumped him I’ve been having a lot of guys leaving stuff on my page about how beautiful I am and wanting me to go out. But I do miss my ex its just I feel so left out and not cherished or loved and I tried multiple times to talk to him about it before I made my decision and it was like talking to a wall. I miss the way things used to be before he was acting all funky. I miss the guy I fell for. He texts me how sorry he is and that he’s a fuck up n he knows it.

When I talked to him on the phone explaining how I feel and telling him what I want he got emotional but my ? Is will he ever wake up? And did I make the right decision letting him go? Did he really want to be with me cuz he loved me or after awhile was it about convenience??? I need to know whether I should forget about him totally and delete him off my friends or what. This whole thing has really put a hurting on me but I’ve been hurt in my past and I refuse to be taken for granted anymore and that’s what I feel like he was doing. Please help :'( (more…)

I hope you didn’t think you were the only one

by The Last Honest Guy

So here’s a brief overview: I was hanging out with this guy for a few months about once a week every week. I say hanging out and not even calling it dating because even though friends asked and everyone else assumed we were dating, it never FELT like dating to me. Long story short, guy can’t figure out what he wants, confuses the hell out of me, and while I knew it wasn’t going anywhere, pulled the whole “I’m going to act vague” bit and refused to just come out and say it wasn’t working out for him. That in turn made me make the choice of choosing friendship.

I don’t hate the guy. Things just don’t work out sometimes, and that’s fine. It wasn’t serious and I didn’t feel deeply invested in him, so I felt fine just being friends. Of course, when I tried to tell him I was choosing friendship regardless of whatever was going on in his head because that was what I needed to do for myself, he didn’t really listen and treated it like I needed things to be re-explained from his point of view (NO I did not), but afterward acted like everything was OK so I just left it alone and went on my merry way and we continued to be friends.

Then all of a sudden right after New Year’s he stopped talking to me entirely. No texts, no e-mails, no calls, nothing. Now, I’m the kind of person where if I get a glimmer that someone doesn’t want anything to do with me, or acts uninterested in anything I have to say, I will back off immediately. I don’t believe in chasing or forcing my company on people. When I suggested maybe hanging out, he didn’t really respond, and that’s when I immediately just let it go. I didn’t tell him it bothered me, I just was like OK never mind and that was that.

In the two-three weeks that followed after he’d ignored my suggestion, he didn’t talk to me at all. And I was like what the hell? It pissed me off for several reasons. Mainly, I was still mad that he could never come out and say things weren’t working with him, so for him to drop all contact without a word just amplified my annoyance. A mutual friend who has known him for years, after listening to me freak out about OMG he hates me blah blah blah, advised that he probably finally decided for himself long after I already had done so that it wasn’t going to work, that he was taking a step back and letting all possibility of a relationship die (um, it was already dead!), and that I should just leave him alone (I’d been tempted to confront him and ask what the deal was). So I did just that. I left him alone.

This past week nearly every day he started talking to me again. Very casual, nothing deep. Mostly a “hey, how are you doing” less-than-2-minute encounter, all via text. Why does he even bother? Do you think my friend’s assessment of his behavior was accurate? And if so, why bother bugging me with small talk after nearly an entire month of not having any communication with me at all? (more…)