by The Last Honest Guy
Help! I have been dating the most wonderful man for eight months. He is the most kind, caring and loving man I have ever been with. My problem started when I sold my house and moved in with him temporarily.
Since living with him I have learned that he doesn’t shower every day! He doesn’t have body odor and it’s not obvious that he doesn’t bathe, but now that I’m living with him I’ve seen that he sometimes lets as long as four days pass between showers.
I was raised to shower every day and I really find this disgusting. I’ve tried every way I can think of to persuade him to shower every day — joking, cajoling and being stern. For me, this is a deal breaker.
I realize I shouldn’t have moved in with him and that situation will change soon, but can you help me come up with ways to convince him that he must bathe every day? (more…)
by The Last Honest Guy
If your boyfriend is annoying you after only a couple of months, you do not need to panic.
But you also should not let your friends talk you into ignoring things that already bother you.
Reader Question: My Boyfriend Is So Annoying. Am I Expecting Too Much?
I have been seeing this guy for a couple months now. It got serious really fast, I think.
I already get annoyed of him though. I feel like this early in the relationship I should not be annoyed of him, because that is what usually happens after being together for a long time, right?
He is late all the time and I have to wait on him. He comes over and eats but does not offer to pay for food, except recently when he came over and brought a few cheap small things.
My friends say that I am expecting too much and I should just deal with it.
But how do I get over being so annoyed?
I like him A LOT, but the few bad habits he has bother me so much that I am not sure if it is worth it.
The Honest Guy’s Answer
The reality is that you need to make an effort to set your priorities straight.
Think about your must-haves versus your should-haves.
If some of the personality traits you are looking for in a long-term partner are not there, and you consider those traits must-haves, then you should probably let him go.
Do not worry so much about the fact that you really like him. After some time apart from him, you will eventually get over him. That is just the way life works. Eventually another guy, hopefully a better guy, will come along and you will forget all about this one.
Trust me, that should be the least of your concerns.
Quick Answer: You May Not Need To Get Over It
You asked how to get over being annoyed.
Maybe you do not need to get over it.
Maybe you need to figure out whether the things annoying you are small preferences or signs that this guy does not fit what you actually want.
Being late all the time is not just a cute flaw if punctuality matters to you. Coming over, eating, and not contributing is not just a little habit if generosity and consideration matter to you.
Those things may seem small, but small things often show you the bigger pattern.
Must-Haves Vs. Should-Haves
Must-haves are the traits you need in a partner for the relationship to work.
Should-haves are the traits that would be nice, but you can live without them.
For example:
- If respect for your time is a must-have, him always being late matters.
- If generosity is a must-have, him eating your food and barely contributing matters.
- If responsibility is a must-have, you need to pay attention to whether he acts responsible now.
- If those things are only should-haves, then maybe you can work around them.
The problem is that many people do not know their must-haves before they start dating. So they get attached first, then try to force the person into a role they were never a good fit for.
Do Not Expect Him To Change
If you are hoping he will change with time, I have news for you:
IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN.
Never expect someone to change or hope that they will change with time. It is much better to look for a partner who already has the traits you are looking for.
That does not mean people never mature. It means you should not build your relationship around the fantasy that he will become someone else because you like him enough.
Date the person in front of you.
Know What You Are Looking For Beforehand
You need to develop your list of must-haves.
If you know what you are looking for beforehand, it is a lot easier to find it. It also allows you to look in the right places.
For example, if one of your must-haves is that he be fit or into healthy eating, then you probably have a better chance finding that kind of person at the gym, or maybe around people studying nutrition or health.
If you are looking for someone who shares your beliefs or religion, then you are probably more likely to find that person at church or in a place where those beliefs are actually practiced.
You get the idea.
This is not about making some impossible checklist. It is about knowing what matters before you are emotionally attached and trying to talk yourself into settling.
Being Picky Can Be A Good Thing
I also think being picky can be a good trait, because it shows you know what you are looking for.
Do not let your friends talk you into thinking you are asking for too much.
Chances are, some of them are in unhappy relationships and have learned to put up with things, so they think that is just the way it should be.
If you want to be happy in a relationship, look at couples who are actually happy and have been happy for a long time. Try to learn from what they are doing right. They are obviously doing something right.
Stop Treating Every Friend Like A Relationship Expert
I often see people getting relationship advice from their best friends without realizing that some of those people have horrible relationships themselves.
So what do they really know about relationships?
Why are you treating them like experts just because they happen to be your best friends?
Think about that and make sure you are going to the right resource for advice, not just the person closest to you.
The Honest Truth
Just for the record, being annoyed by your boyfriend is not what usually happens after being together for a long time.
Not being annoyed by each other after a long time is one of the biggest signs that you are with the right person and have a good chance of growing old together.
So if you are already annoyed now, pay attention.
It does not automatically mean you need to dump him today. But it does mean you need to stop acting like your standards are the problem just because your friends say you should deal with it.
Figure out your must-haves. Decide whether he meets them. Then be honest with yourself.
