by The Last Honest Guy
My boyfriend and I have been together for 2.5 years. We do not live together, but in separate apartments about a mile away form each other. We’ve had a lot of ups and downs, complicated by his parents’ messy divorce after 30+ years, my changing jobs and going back to school and some communication issues between the two of us. It seemed we had put a lot of that behind us and had used the tough times to grow together as better people and a better relationship. But lately, we’ve been having communication breakdowns left and right and I’m not sure what to do about it. The most recent:
I have been on the pill for 6 years and when my boyfriend and I first started seeing each other, I wanted him to wear condoms too because of STD protection. We didn’t know each other well and I wanted him to get tested. He doesn’t like wearing them and eventually we built up enough trust where I said it was ok for him to not wear one. So for 2 years we’ve been relying on just the pill. Two months ago, his best friend’s girlfriend got pregnant unexpectedly and ended up having an abortion. This freaked out my boyfriend, as I have said that if I were to get pregnant by accident I’m not sure what I would do. Now he will only have sex if he is wearing a condom. While I appreciate his responsibility, it seems like he doesn’t trust me (I do not want to get pregnant!) and it’s created some tension between us. I’ve gotten used to not using condoms and now that we’re using them again, I’ve noticed how bad they smell, the interruption in the moment and I don’t like that he made this decision on his own, rather than asking me what to do about it. There was no compromise. We’ve tried talking about it, but it always turns into a heated discussion. I’m starting to wonder if this represents a large issue between us. Are there any compromises when it comes to this? How can I show him that the pill is more effective and reliable than condoms? (more…)
by The Last Honest Guy
I don’t know where to even start, This guys I’ve been talking to for over a year and we dated for 5 months he broke up with me the day before valentines day and hasn’t tried to contact or talk to me about anything. I tried talking to him two times and he has fully ignored my message. this one girl I used to be friends with started talking to him and has been since the breakup and she’s going around telling people he’s done with me and has saying mean things. I want so bad to talk to him about everything and to be able to work everything out. I’m in love with the kid and he broke up with me because he didn’t wanna fight and because he needed to focus on wrestling. His brother is really good friends with my sister and he will ask questions about if I’m seeing anyone or talking to anyone and it has to be because my ex is asking. He’s also asked my 2 good friends about me too and his best friend. Is there hope? and if there is how much time should I wait until I really have to just move on. please help me! (more…)
by The Last Honest Guy
My boyfriend (45, white, cop) and I (together 5+ years) live together (1+ year) and I’m discovering that he is resistant to my suggestions when it comes to training our dogs.
I hired a trainer when they were younger and go for refresher training every now and then (he doesn’t participate) and it’s really helpful. Our dogs are strong and since I do most of their care and walks alone, I need all the help I can get.
When we walk the dogs together, I’ll make suggestions on how he can better control one of them and he gets tense with me. I’ve started asking “would you like to see what the trainer taught me that works?” so that he has a choice and doesn’t feel like I’m telling him what to do, but he resents that too.
I’ve explained that it’s really helpful for us to walk the dogs in the same manner (using the same training), because I’m not strong enough to control them on my own the way he can and he seemed to understand, but still seems to resent me speaking up and critiques my methods all the time. When explain my methods, he does the “hey don’t jump all over me,” but I don’t think I’m jumping.
What is this all about? (more…)
by The Last Honest Guy
Falling for a man too fast can make you feel like you finally found something real. It can also make you ignore the parts of the situation that are not working.
Here is the honest truth: strong feelings are not the same as a stable relationship. Chemistry is not commitment. Support is not the same as choosing a future together.
Reader Question: Did I Fall For Him Too Fast?
I was married for 10 years. About six months after leaving my husband, I met someone else I care about very much.
We dated for a while and things were perfect. I have three kids and he has one. When we were comfortable enough, we brought our kids into the picture. He is not much of a kid person, and I have three kids, so that became an issue.
After four or five months of dating, we broke up for a few weeks, got back together for a couple of months, then broke up again. We stayed friends the whole time.
We never officially got back together, but he is the first person I talk to every day and the last person I talk to every night. We talk all day. We laugh. He is my best friend, and he says the same about me.
When my kids are not with me, I spend my free time with him. Even when we are not together, we are usually on the phone. I know he is not seeing anyone else, but I do not know what to do. We are not together, but we are. It is confusing.
He has helped me so much. After my divorce, I had nothing. He helped me get my first vehicle, pushed me to go back to school, and is always there when I need him. We are sleeping together too.
Sometimes I feel like I am wasting my time and things will never work out. I am not getting younger, and if I stay attached to him, I may never move on and find someone willing to love me and everything about me, including my kids.
I love him unconditionally. He feels like family to me. I just do not know where to go from here. What do I need to do?
The Honest Guy’s Answer
You fell for him too fast.
That does not mean your feelings are fake. It means your feelings are moving faster than the facts. You are talking about him like permanent family, but the actual relationship is unstable, undefined, and already has a major issue: your life comes with children, and he is not really a kid person.
That is not a small detail. That is one of the main details.
Quick Answer: Slow Down Before You Build A Life Around Him
Quick answer: you need to slow down, step back emotionally, and stop treating this like a settled relationship until both of you are clear about what you want. He may care about you. He may be a good support system. But caring about you is not the same as being ready for the life you are asking him to step into.
Why Falling Fast Feels So Intense
After a divorce or long relationship, attention can hit harder than usual. You are not just dating a man. You may also be feeling seen, helped, wanted, supported, and alive again.
That can feel like love. Sometimes it is love. Sometimes it is relief mixed with chemistry.
The problem is that relief can make you attach to someone before you really know whether he fits your actual life.
Chemistry Vs Reality
- Chemistry says: we talk all day and the connection feels amazing.
- Reality asks: are we officially together, or are we acting like it without commitment?
- Chemistry says: he helped me when I had nothing.
- Reality asks: can he accept the full life that comes with me, including my kids?
- Chemistry says: he feels like family.
- Reality asks: has he earned that place, or am I giving it to him because I am attached?
What His Behavior Is Telling You
He cares about you. I do not doubt that. A man does not stay that connected, help that much, and talk that often if he feels nothing.
But he also has not fully chosen the relationship. You have broken up more than once. You are sleeping together. You are emotionally attached. But you are not officially together.
That is the part you need to stop smoothing over. If you want a real relationship, friendship plus sex plus daily phone calls is not enough.
What You Should Do Next
- Stop calling it family until the relationship is actually stable.
- Be honest about whether he can accept your life with your kids.
- Stop sleeping with him if it keeps you attached to an undefined situation.
- Decide what you actually need, not just what you hope he becomes.
- Have one clear conversation about whether this is moving toward a real relationship.
You can say:
“I care about you, but I cannot keep acting like we are together while we are not. I need to know if we are actually building something or if I need to start letting go.”
The Honest Truth
Here is the honest truth: you are not wrong for loving him, but you may be wrong for building your emotional future around him before he has clearly chosen the role you want him to play.
If he wants the relationship, he needs to step into it clearly. If he does not, you need to stop letting daily attention keep you stuck in a relationship that only exists halfway.
by The Last Honest Guy
I’m 25, my boyfriend is 32; we’re both Puerto Rican. We’ve been together about 4 years. Overall we have a great relationship. He works very hard in his business to be able to provide for his son and to make sure that we have a nice lifestyle in the future. Over the last several weeks, he has had little to no sex drive. To add to that, I’ve lost weight and he doesn’t find me sexually attractive because I’m too skinny. I understand that stress from working can make him not as into sex and I’ve tried to be patient. We spoke about it today and it turned into an argument. Finally I said “I shouldn’t have to twist your arm into being intimate with me, “look at me” and he said, “you know I’m not into super skinny chicks so what is there for me to look at that’s supposed to get me aroused?” My feelings are very hurt by this whole situation because I would think that genuine feelings and love would supersede physical appearance. It’s also messing with my psyche as a woman to know that the man I love that claims to love me so much isn’t sexually attracted to me and has no desire to be intimate with me. We’ve been intimate lately about every week and a half. It used to be several times per week. I feel like I have no control here. Please advise.
Thanks! (more…)
