by The Last Honest Guy
Hello, Last Honest Guy!
I’m a 27 year old woman married to a 27 year old man. We had been in a 3 year long monogamous relationship prior to our marriage, with no real plans to make it official, but we married almost 4 years ago out of necessity when he enlisted in the Navy. It was either get hitched or never see him again, and the pre-existing stability, security, and comfort were too good for either of us to refuse. I deeply respect and cherish my marriage and my husband (even my in-laws!). Truly there is no one else on earth that is as good to me as he has been. He is exceedingly practical, hard working, fiscally solid, a homebody, emotionally withdrawn, intellectually beyond brilliant, physically large and imposing, and utterly alpha. I believe he considers me to be his, to protect and to provide for. Our relationship borders on master and pet at times; though he would never insist on it being that way, I know he enjoys it.
The problem I’m having stems from potential infidelity, on both sides. My husband is currently on an 8 to 10 month deployment to the Mediterranean. I am not unfamiliar with the culture of the Navy (shipmates wouldn’t dare air out someone else’s dirty laundry), about my husband’s epicurean tendencies… for instance he enjoyed hard partying and going to strip clubs, mentioning it later to me, off-handedly, while he was temporarily assigned to a station near New Orleans. I honestly believe him when he says he doesn’t care about other people enough to develop a relationship with them, but that didn’t stop the myriad of one-nighters in the past. He has not cheated on me to my knowledge, but he willingly admits cheating on exes. The old adage, “Once a cheater always a cheater,” plus the sheer ability to cheat while on the other side of the globe in fabulous Italy? It’s got me in a heightened security state, we’ll say. But I’m not innocent either, at all, and this is the real meat of my story. As much as I love my husband, I am still in love with a man I knew (and slept with) in high school. He’s similar yet very different than my husband: vivacious and charismatic, social and intellectual, and very proud. We met and I immediately felt like he was something special… no one else in my life has electrified me the way he does, and he knows it.
For nearly 10 years I’ve suppressed an intense physical and mental attraction to him; that suppression led to some very saucy dreams, I must say. We chatted passively over the Internet, but lived in different states. However, since I’ve been home, we recently met over a few beers (which was probably a dumb idea). The depth of passion that he brought out in me just by being physically close was shocking, especially as compared to the comfortable rut of my relationship with my husband. I was extremely honest (and moderately drunk) with him about how I felt, and while he was honest in return about wanting to sleep with me, he admirably deflected my more obvious advances. He seemed to enjoy flirting, as always, but was talking a hell of a lot more than usual since I’m sure we were both nervous even with the liquid courage. It had been 10 years, after all. Even still, it took all I had not to jump him then and there, and he could tell. The worst part of my side of this story is that I’m only a phone call away from sleeping with this man. My husband has been clear about his feelings on extra-marital relationships: with other women it’s fine, but when another man enters the scene, his alpha male-ism flares up like a wildfire. It literally comes down to primal instincts, and he actually used the words “breeding rights”! So here’s the rub: I want to sleep with my high school lover. When I want something, all nuance flies out the window and I take that bull by the horns. He seems well aware of how bad an idea this is, but we think on the same wavelength and I know he wants me, too. I’m desperately in love with him, and to him, I’m the one that got away.
Is there a way to solve this for all parties? I know I’m looking for excuses to make it OK, and that’s not OK, but one more night of racy dreams in an empty bed will have me howling at the moon. Should I tell my husband any part of this? I’m a diehard “brutal honesty” kind of gal, but it seems risky to even bring up the prospect. Should I break off contact entirely with my old lover? Suffering silently through 10 more years of insane attraction is a bummer, too. The male points of view would be pretty awesome at this point!
You rock,
No seriously,
Sincerely,
A faithful but frustrated wife
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by The Last Honest Guy
When I was 22 I started dating a girl. shortly thereafter she found out she was pregnant from her ex boyfriend. we eventually got married in 2008 and divorced in 2011. She had a little girl and I was there throughout the entire pregnancy, birth and have raised her even after the divorce. My daughter is now five. I am now 27 and I have been dating my girlfriend, 22, for over a year. She has always said that she doesn’t particularly like kids and didn’t want kids. She has since decided she wants kids with me however does not accept my daughter as mine because of the lack of DNA. She refuses to come hang out with us and barely talks to me on weekends when I have my daughter. Other than this issue we are perfect for each other. Why can’t she accept her as my daughter? Am I expecting to much from her about the situation? Has anyone else been in this situation before? Advice needed!!!!! (more…)
by The Last Honest Guy
I have been dating my boyfriend for a year and 3 months. Lately…I have been suspicious that maybe he wants to cheat. One day he left his Facebook on my laptop and I thought it was mine so I checked my messages whose were really his. I found him asking an old neighborhood friend of his to grab a coffee one day and catch up. He would get so mad at me if I was thinking about doing that.
I know I shouldn’t be doing this but I went through his phone. I have read many girls from his work calling him “babe” and he replied to one calling her “sweetie”. I also caught this message by someone awhile ago and Im not sure if he read it yet cause he never replied it said: “Hey babes, I assume you’re sleeping but I really need to talk for a sec so text me when you wake up its kind of a funny story xox”
That was def within the time of our dating. I am just really worried because he broke up with his crazy girlfriend who was over weight, for me. I notice myself gaining weight since we started dating and therefore i am getting more self conscience everyday. He is a gorgeous 19 year old young man. He’s a charmer, he’s friendly and I don’t know how to confront him because i don’t want him thinking I am jealous or I don’t want him to ignore his faults…..I just need help?! (more…)
by The Last Honest Guy
I have been dating a guy for the past 6 years. We started dating in high school, and then went away to separate colleges. Even though it hasn’t been very serious for the past 5 years, we’ve stayed really close and haven’t dated other people. He is my best friend. We thought that after graduating college we could figure things out, but I was offered a great job in Atlanta, and he was offered a great job in Minnesota.
So, here we are, still in a long distance relationship 5 years later. For some reason, since graduation, this has been even more difficult. We’re both very practical people, and we realize that at 23, we’re just too young to start making sacrifices for each other. Neither of us is situated in a place we want to be long-term, and we’re both probably going to get promoted and/or have to move within this year, 2012. With the past year getting tougher and tougher on us because of the distance, we’re growing apart. Its not anyone’s fault, it’s just difficult to really be a part of each other’s lives when we see each other only once every 1-2 months.
The problem right now for me isn’t exactly the distance. For me it has been hard to get over his lack of commitment to a plan. I am 100% ok with where we are now as young adults, as long as we have a long term plan that doesn’t involve distance. We need to have an end-point. I proposed that sometime during the year 2013 (we will both be 24 at that point) that I move to wherever he is (after I find a job). I don’t want to move in with him or anything, I just want to be able to have a normal relationship with him. For me, its frustrating to be dating someone for 6 years, and not be further along in our relationship. For him, the problem IS the distance and on top of the distance, he is really not in the mindset to be in a committed serious relationship right now.
He told me that he loves me, and he’s only in this relationship right now because he sees us being together in the future, but mentally right now he feels he shouldn’t be in a serious relationship because he can’t give it the time commitment and consideration it deserves. But, he knows that if we break up, we probably won’t get back together, and he doesn’t want to lose me. He just feels like he’s not mature enough to be settling down, and there are a lot of things he wants to do as a young adult that he knows he won’t be able to do if he has to make sacrifices right now. I actually get it. I’m not upset with him for how he feels. I respect the fact that he is being honest with me.
The problem is, neither of us wants to break up. I’m not sure if I should:
A: wait it out, hope its not years before he feels ready for the commitment; or
B: break up with him and try to move on.
He is a really good person, and he honestly is a great boyfriend right now. He works extremely long weeks but he still calls and texts me every day when he has free time. I’m scared to let things go on like this knowing how he feels right now, but I’m also scared to let him go. I don’t want to settle down right now either, I just want more security in our relationship, and I know he can’t give that to me right now. (more…)
by The Last Honest Guy
So, my partner (30) and I recently got engaged after being together just over a year. Over the last few months he has been messaging his ex quite a bit. If I walk near him while he’s messaging her he shuts off his phone quickly. I took him overseas recently and he spent a full night texting her while we were over there, just prior to leaving he was laying in bed with me – messaging her. I also know that he hasn’t told her about our engagement. In a few months he will be on course for work for about 5 months – in the same location as her, and she has invited him over for drinks and to stay the night – which I read over his shoulder while in bed and he said he couldn’t wait. I hate being the jealous girlfriend type but at the same time, I don’t trust her because I don’t know her. I also fear that something will happen because they had quite the adventurous sex life (as the photos on his computer tell me) while ours is much quieter. Do I have a right to be angry and say something or should I just be smothering any of these thoughts and pretend not to care?
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