by The Last Honest Guy
Q: I reconnected with an ex from college and we have started a casual friends with benefits situation. He lives in another state about 4 hours away so we always have to plan when we see each other in advance. I am open to the possibility of something more serious but he said that he wants to keep it casual because 1) He got his heart broken with his last relationship; 2) He doesn’t want to feel tied down because he works a lot (which is true, he is in law enforcement and I can understand because I’m in the legal field) and 3) he said because my ex is an abusive man and my “friend” is a police officer, dating me would put him at risk of losing his job in the event an altercation happened between him and my ex (my ex and I have a child so he’s not really going anywhere).
Despite his reasons for not wanting to be in a relationship, he still texts me all day everyday and we talk about anything and everything. Additionally, he is the one who normally initiates the contact. He gets jealous when I am around other men, and when we are together we spend more time outside of the bedroom than in it. “Casual” relationships do not act the way we do, he reaches out to me everyday and says goodnight to me every evening.
What in the world is this guy thinking? Or am I just that naive to think his actions do not match up with what he claims he wants out of this whatever it is? I want to be logical and take his words at face value but at the same time my BS meter is going nuts. From your perspective, what’s his deal?
A: Sounds to me like this guy actually likes you but at the same time knows that having a relationship with you means a lot of trouble. He knows that the smart thing to do is not to be serious with you but also really likes you. At the end of the day, he is probably keeping his options open and has other women (who are local) in his life but you guys have a history together and that really puts you in a different category.
My advice to you is to not get stuck on this guy or think it will eventually lead to something serious because it probably never will. I don’t think long-distance relationships are smart since things can become very difficult and people often are unfaithful because it is so easy to be.
by The Last Honest Guy
Q:
Hi, so there’s this guy that messages me and initiates most of our conversations. He is really nice to me, respectful, and a sweetheart. I’m just not sure if he wants to date or I’m not sure? I ask him to go out and have lunch and he’s always busy. I flirt with him too, and he continues our Snapchat or IG conversations. But he will ask me how am I? Or if I’m okay after my night out, to get home safe, Or how my day has been? He said that both our schedules are the opposite so then I tried to back off but he’ll just continue sending me snaps of just music playing… When I first talked to him he said he was shy, at this point I think he may just want to be friends or I’m not sure but I’m like… okay time to move on…. or should I? I like him, he’s great to message with and he’s a nice guy, I like his personality, he seems caring. I’ve never received an essay message from a guy telling me why I’m better than those people who tried to put me down but he did. What should I do? Move on or have patience? He’s been messaging since mid-February, and his first msg was about this karaoke place I love.
A:
First of all, if you guys have only been messaging through social media, then the length of this “relationship” is irrelevant because online relationships are much slower than when you meet someone IRL (IN Real Life).
Also, the fact that he only talks to you on a daily basis but hasn’t attempted to make a move, is a red flag. My gut feeling is that this guy is currently in an unhappy relationship and it’s just seeking companionship. He probably doesn’t want to tell you his truth because he’s afraid you might not want to talk to him or be as interested if he tells you he’s in a relationship with someone else. He probably knows that eventually he will be single again and wants to have a head start with the next potential relationship.
My advice is to be straightforward with him and really find out the truth. It’s ok to ask him about his relationship status and seek evidence. Don’t be afraid to put him on the spot when you get a chance.
by The Last Honest Guy
Q:
My boyfriend of 2.5 years is 38 years old. I met him on eharmony. When we met, I liked him but wasn’t 100% sure about him. He had some undesirable traits in a mate. He was divorced and the nature and reasoning he gave me for the divorce didn’t seem that terrible. He made himself seem to be a victim of a crazy narcissist irresponsible woman. He also had a temp job, lived with 3 other guys and didn’t manage his money well. He was also rushing to move into my house after 4 or 5 months of dating.
Now a little over 2 years later, he moved out on his own, got a permanent position and have started saving money. I’ve also grown to love him and could really see him being a man I could marry and start a family with.
Last summer I started getting a feeling that something wasn’t right. I felt he was seeing someone else but could never find any evidence. I asked him about it and he reassured me he wasn’t. So I let it go. I found a pair of earrings at his apartment and he swore he thought they were mine then said they could have been his cousins who visit often. I let it go but remained suspicious. A few weeks later I had that feeling again so I went through his phone and found pictures, text and pornographic video of him with another woman. A girl from his class that he often talked about. He knew her from previous circles of friends and he said he was never interested in her and she likewise. We broke up for a month and I offered to work it out with him if he was willing. I often check his phone and occasionally see where they’ve texted but he promised to cut her off to move forward with our relationship. If find it odd that the guy who would go on a date with me while just leaving the gym with a hint of BO will spend two hours getting dressed for church wearing new clothes cologne even new underwear and socks. When I go out with him I shower, take time getting dressed put on makeup etc. I often feel disappointed that he doesn’t put in the same level of effort for me. He often seems distracted or uninterested when he’s with me constantly checking his phone. He says it’s to keep track of soccer. I love him but not 100% happy and have become very insecure. He doesn’t put the effort in dating me, paying for meals or activities when we’re together (we often go dutch).
Should I keep trying to teach him how to love me and hope he gets it or should I cut my losses and move on?
A:
It’s definitely time to move on! A guy who is 38 years old will not change any time soon. He will definitely not change for you, as you have already noticed.
You seem to want to give him excuses for his behavior. The bottom line is that he’s a rotten piece of food that needs to be thrown away.
by The Last Honest Guy
Q:
Hello, I recently met a guy about month ago through a mutual friend’s birthday party. I was instantly attracted to him. That night we danced a lot but we didn’t get to talk much. About 2 weeks later we all went out again in a group to a bar. When he got there he came straight to me and started talking to me and invited to another party. I went to the bathroom, I guess he didn’t see me so when I came back he asked where I went which I thought was weird. So we went to the party we danced some but then ended up dancing with other people. Still didn’t get much chance to talk. Then over the weekend, we all had another gathering at my house but I didn’t get to talk to him much either because there were so many other people around. I sent him a friend request on facebook which he accepted right away. The next day after my get together I sent him a message on facebook thanking him for coming. He said no problem and hope to do it again soon and added a smiley face. I feel like he might like me but not sure. We’ve only seen each other 3 times I’m not sure when I will see him again. What should I do? Do you think he likes me? My friends say it’s too soon to tell and to just give it time and see what happens but I don’t want to miss a chance if I have one. Thanks for your help.
A:
I never recommend jumping into any relationship this soon.
Sounds to me like this guy is obviously attracted to you but you’ve only seen him 3 times, which is not enough time to tell if he has any intentions of getting into a relationship with anyone at this moment.
My recommendation is to stay in touch with him in person and on social media and let things develop further. Flirt but don’t make it too obvious or seem desperate because that’s a turn off for most guys. Definitely try to have some one-on-one time with him by going on dates and start asking “pre-qualifying” questions in order to determine if it’s worth pursuing a relationship with him or not.
Most guys who are single and are ready for a relationship would’ve made an attempt for some alone time at this moment. My gut feeling is that there’s something else going on. Maybe he has a girlfriend or he’s really not that into you as you may think.
Good luck.
