How to deal with a breakup and a heart ache the way a guy would

by The Last Honest Guy

My boyfriend and I broke up yesterday and I want to get over him. I still love him a lot. I deleted him from all my buddy lists and emails. I also temporarily deleted my facebook so I don’t have to go on his page. So how do I get over him? (more…)

How to Know Where You Stand With a Guy: Relationship Status Signs

by The Last Honest Guy

If you are asking, “What is the status of our relationship?”, the honest answer is usually this: he is giving you enough to feel close, but not enough to feel secure.

That is an important difference. A man can like you, spend time with you, text you every day, sleep with you, and still avoid making the relationship clear. Liking you is not the same thing as choosing you. Attention is not commitment.

That is exactly what is happening in the reader question below. He acts like a boyfriend in a lot of ways, but when it comes time to define the relationship, he gets slippery.

Reader Question: What Is The Status Of Our Relationship?

I’ve been seeing this guy for about two months. He says he likes me, that he likes me a lot, and I hear this almost daily.

Last week he pushed me to tell him what I wanted from him. I told him I wanted his heart, and he did not run. I am not sure if that is good or insignificant.

We pretty much see each other on a daily basis. It is basically a “what are we doing tonight?” kind of thing on his part, so in my mind this means we have moved from dating to relationship. I know I should not make assumptions because he may see it differently.

This week, he said we need to find me someone who will be here for me when he goes away for two months in the winter. I told him not to say things like that. He has said something similar before, which resulted in me insisting I did not want someone else.

Somehow the whole conversation about what I wanted from him came up again, and I told him that he knows exactly what I want: his heart. Then he broke into song singing Rod Stewart’s “You’re in My Heart.” I am not sure if that was even related to what I said or if he just went with it because it popped into his head.

He is so frustrating. He is hot and then he is cold, and I have trouble reading him. What is your opinion and thoughts about this guy’s intentions?

The Honest Guy’s Answer

There is no doubt in my mind that this guy likes you. A man does not usually spend that much time with a woman, talk to her every day, and keep seeing her if he feels nothing.

So the question is not, “Does he like me?” He does.

The real question is: what is he willing to do about it?

The biggest clue is that he is going away for two months and keeps making comments about you finding someone else while he is gone. That is not random. From a guy’s perspective, that sounds like a man trying to keep the relationship emotionally warm while leaving himself a door open.

Quick Answer: He Likes You, But He Is Keeping It Undefined

You are probably not imagining the connection. He likes you. He enjoys you. He may even feel attached to you.

But he is also avoiding an official commitment because the timing gives him an easy excuse to keep his options open. That is the part you need to stop smoothing over.

Do not judge the relationship by how affectionate he is when you are together. Judge it by whether he gives you clarity when clarity actually costs him something.

What His Behavior Is Telling You

There are a few important signs in your question, and they are not hard to read once you stop trying to make every detail romantic.

• He likes you: he sees you often, tells you he likes you, and keeps the connection going.
• He knows what you want: you have already made it clear that you want his heart.
• He avoids the official answer: instead of defining the relationship, he jokes, sings, or moves around the subject.
• He is preparing for freedom while he is away: the comments about finding you someone else are a sign that he does not want to feel locked in during those two months.
• He may want to revisit things later: he may be thinking, “Let’s not make this official until after I come back.”

That does not mean he is lying about liking you. It means he is enjoying the boyfriend benefits without fully taking on the boyfriend responsibility.

Why The Two-Month Trip Matters

Long distance, even for a short period, can make a man hesitate. Some guys do not want to start an official relationship right before they leave because they know they may be tempted, distracted, or unsure about how they will handle the distance.

In his mind, keeping it unofficial may feel like the safer option. If he goes away and acts single, he can tell himself he did not technically betray you.

That may be convenient for him. It is not convenient for you if your heart is already in it.

His Actions Matter More Than Romantic Words

Some men are very good at emotional closeness in the moment. They can tell you they like you, call you every night, sing a romantic song, or make you feel chosen when you are together.

But if the relationship disappears whenever real commitment is discussed, pay attention.

Words show attraction. Patterns show intention.

If his words say, “I like you,” but his actions say, “Do not expect anything from me,” believe the pattern. That does not mean he is a bad guy. It means you should stop building your emotional life around hints.

Should You Force Him To Define The Relationship?

I would not force him to ask you out or push him into saying the words before he is ready. Forced commitment usually gets you a weak yes.

But I also would not keep giving him unlimited relationship benefits while he avoids the conversation forever. That is how you end up acting like his girlfriend while he keeps the right to say, “But we were never official.”

At about two months, it is reasonable to still be figuring things out. But if this continues for several more months, especially after he comes back, then you need a direct conversation.

A man who wants a relationship does not usually need forever to figure out whether he likes being around you. Around four to five months of consistent dating is enough time to expect a real answer. Beyond that, if he still cannot tell you where you stand, you are allowed to stop waiting.

How To Ask Without Sounding Desperate

Do not ask from panic. Ask from self-respect.

You are not begging him to choose you. You are finding out whether he is actually offering what you think he is offering.

You can say:

“I like what we have, and I am not trying to pressure you. But I do need to understand whether we are moving toward something exclusive or keeping this casual.”

Or:

“I am at the point where acting like a couple without knowing where we stand does not really work for me. How do you see this?”

Then stop talking and let him answer. The more you explain, soften, rescue, or interpret for him, the easier it is for him to stay vague.

What To Do With His Answer

If he says he wants the same thing and his actions line up afterward, good. Let the relationship grow.

If he says he is not ready, does not know, does not like labels, or wants to “see what happens,” take that as information. He may not be rejecting you completely, but he is telling you not to count on commitment right now.

At that point, you have a choice. You can keep things casual because that truly works for you, or you can step back because you want more than he is offering.

What you should not do is pretend casual is enough while quietly hoping your patience will turn into commitment. That is not patience. That is bargaining with reality.

Signs A Guy Sees You As More Than Casual

For anyone reading this in a similar situation, here are the signs that usually mean a guy sees you as more than casual:

• He makes plans ahead of time instead of only seeing you when it is convenient.
• He follows through when he says he will call, come over, or make time.
• He talks about future events that include you.
• He lets you into his real life, not just his private romantic bubble.
• He is willing to talk about exclusivity without turning it into a joke.
• He cares about how his choices affect you.

Signs He Is Keeping Things Undefined

• He says he likes you but avoids saying what you are.
• He acts committed in private but single in public.
• He brings up dating other people as a “joke” or escape hatch.
• He gets uncomfortable when you ask where things are going.
• He wants boyfriend benefits without boyfriend responsibility.
• He becomes vague when distance, travel, or temptation enters the picture.

What Women Often Get Wrong

Women often hear “I like you” and treat it like a relationship promise. Men do not always mean it that way.

A man can like you and still not choose you. He can enjoy spending time with you and still avoid responsibility. He can be sweet in the moment and still keep the door open for himself.

The question is not whether he likes you. The question is what he is willing to do about it.

What You Should Do Next

• Do not panic just because it has only been two months.
• Do pay attention to what he does before, during, and after the trip.
• Do not keep acting like his committed girlfriend if he keeps avoiding commitment.
• After a reasonable amount of time, ask directly where you stand.
• If he stays vague, stop pretending you do not understand the answer.

The Honest Truth

Here is the honest truth: in your case, I think he likes you, but he is deliberately avoiding an official relationship because he is leaving soon and wants room to move. He may believe he is being fair by hinting that you can date someone else while he is gone, but that does not help you if your heart is already involved.

Keep giving light hints if you want, but do not ignore the reality in front of you. If he comes back and still will not define the relationship after a reasonable amount of time, sit down with him and ask directly.

You need to come out of that conversation knowing exactly where you stand. If his answer is not what you are looking for, then it is time to stop investing in a relationship that only exists when it is convenient for him.

If you want help decoding what his behavior actually means, join the list and get the Honest Guy mixed signals checklist. And if your situation is different, send in your question. Sometimes the details change the answer.