Caucasian

I reconnected with an ex from college, and we’ve started a casual friends-with-benefits situation. He lives in another state about four hours away, so we always have to plan our meetups in advance. I’m open to the possibility of something more serious, but he said he wants to keep it casual because:

1. He got his heart broken in his last relationship.

2. He doesn’t want to feel tied down because he works a lot (he’s in law enforcement, and I get it because I’m in the legal field).

3. He says my ex is abusive, and because he’s a police officer, dating me could put him at risk of losing his job if an altercation happened between him and my ex (my ex and I have a child together, so he’s not exactly going anywhere).

Despite all his reasons for keeping it “casual,” he still texts me all day, every day, and we talk about everything. He’s usually the one who initiates the conversation. He gets jealous when I’m around other men, and when we’re together, we actually spend more time outside the bedroom than inside it. Casual relationships don’t act like this. He reaches out every day and says goodnight every evening.

What is this guy thinking? Am I naive for feeling like his actions don’t match what he claims he wants? I’m trying to be logical and believe what he says, but my BS meter is going crazy. From your perspective, what’s his deal?

All right, let’s simplify this because the situation isn’t as complicated as it feels.

The only reason this guy gives you so much attention is because he’s an old college ex — someone with history, comfort, and familiarity. You’re not a random hookup; you’re someone he has real memories with. That makes the connection feel stronger and easier for him.

So yes, he texts you all day.
Yes, he talks to you about everything.
Yes, he gets jealous.
Yes, he acts like a boyfriend.

But here’s the key: he still doesn’t want a relationship. And there are real reasons for that.

First, let’s be honest — the “I got my heart broken” excuse is just emotional padding. It’s something women relate to, so it sounds believable, but it’s not the real reason.

Second, the “I work too much” line is another classic soft excuse men use when they don’t want to commit. He has plenty of time to text you all day — so clearly time isn’t the issue.

The real reasons are these:

1. You’re four hours away.
He’s smart enough to know long distance is a bad idea. Honestly, he sounds like someone who probably reads my blog because he’s repeating the same logic I preach — long-distance relationships are rarely successful.

2. Your abusive ex is a major red flag.
Not about him — about your situation.
No man, especially a police officer, wants to step into a dynamic where an abusive ex is still involved and capable of creating legal or physical problems. If your ex can intimidate new men out of your life, you need to address that if you want a real relationship in the future.

3. He likes the freedom.
He enjoys talking to you, he enjoys the comfort, he enjoys the history — but he also enjoys not being tied down. “Casual” gives him the ability to pick when he sees you, when he doesn’t, and it keeps him guilt-free if he’s also seeing other women locally.

And yes — because you accepted “casual,” he has no obligation to step it up.

So what’s the truth?

He likes you.
He enjoys you.
But he does not want a committed relationship with someone 4 hours away and wrapped in drama from an ex.

His words and actions aren’t contradictory — you’re just interpreting his comfort as commitment. Men can be affectionate, consistent, and loyal in routine… without ever wanting to be in a relationship.

If you want more than casual, you’re going to have to walk away — because he’s not moving this forward. Not now, not later.

He already told you what he wants.
You’re just hoping he’ll change his mind.

He won’t.