Caucasian

I reconnected with an ex from college, and we’ve started a casual friends-with-benefits situation. He lives in another state about four hours away, so we always have to plan our meetups in advance. I’m open to the possibility of something more serious, but he said he wants to keep it casual because:

1. He got his heart broken in his last relationship.

2. He doesn’t want to feel tied down because he works a lot (he’s in law enforcement, and I get it because I’m in the legal field).

3. He says my ex is abusive, and because he’s a police officer, dating me could put him at risk of losing his job if an altercation happened between him and my ex (my ex and I have a child together, so he’s not exactly going anywhere).

Despite all his reasons for keeping it “casual,” he still texts me all day, every day, and we talk about everything. He’s usually the one who initiates the conversation. He gets jealous when I’m around other men, and when we’re together, we actually spend more time outside the bedroom than inside it. Casual relationships don’t act like this. He reaches out every day and says goodnight every evening.

What is this guy thinking? Am I naive for feeling like his actions don’t match what he claims he wants? I’m trying to be logical and believe what he says, but my BS meter is going crazy. From your perspective, what’s his deal?

All right, let’s simplify this because the situation isn’t as complicated as it feels.

The only reason this guy gives you so much attention is because he’s an old college ex — someone with history, comfort, and familiarity. You’re not a random hookup; you’re someone he has real memories with. That makes the connection feel stronger and easier for him.

So yes, he texts you all day.
Yes, he talks to you about everything.
Yes, he gets jealous.
Yes, he acts like a boyfriend.

But here’s the key: he still doesn’t want a relationship. And there are real reasons for that.

First, let’s be honest — the “I got my heart broken” excuse is just emotional padding. It’s something women relate to, so it sounds believable, but it’s not the real reason.

Second, the “I work too much” line is another classic soft excuse men use when they don’t want to commit. He has plenty of time to text you all day — so clearly time isn’t the issue.

The real reasons are these:

1. You’re four hours away.
He’s smart enough to know long distance is a bad idea. Honestly, he sounds like someone who probably reads my blog because he’s repeating the same logic I preach — long-distance relationships are rarely successful.

2. Your abusive ex is a major red flag.
Not about him — about your situation.
No man, especially a police officer, wants to step into a dynamic where an abusive ex is still involved and capable of creating legal or physical problems. If your ex can intimidate new men out of your life, you need to address that if you want a real relationship in the future.

3. He likes the freedom.
He enjoys talking to you, he enjoys the comfort, he enjoys the history — but he also enjoys not being tied down. “Casual” gives him the ability to pick when he sees you, when he doesn’t, and it keeps him guilt-free if he’s also seeing other women locally.

And yes — because you accepted “casual,” he has no obligation to step it up.

So what’s the truth?

He likes you.
He enjoys you.
But he does not want a committed relationship with someone 4 hours away and wrapped in drama from an ex.

His words and actions aren’t contradictory — you’re just interpreting his comfort as commitment. Men can be affectionate, consistent, and loyal in routine… without ever wanting to be in a relationship.

If you want more than casual, you’re going to have to walk away — because he’s not moving this forward. Not now, not later.

He already told you what he wants.
You’re just hoping he’ll change his mind.

He won’t.

French

Hi,
Thank you for taking the time to read my question!

I’m from Europe and right now I’m living in France, in Bordeaux.
I don’t want to brag, but I’m quite good-looking (I think it’s important for the story :/), and as you may know, in France, sleeping around is a normal thing.

So there was a guy. He first texted me on Instagram in January last year. He found me from Tinder. Sure, he was hot, but as we continued texting, I realized I didn’t want to have sex with him because he was quite pushy, and I don’t really like “pretty boys.” At that moment, I was also having “dates” with a very cool Spanish guy.
So I told him to delete me from his chat.

Then one time in March, I decided to see the guy again after a couple more messages from him (let’s call him T). He wanted to come directly to my place (or for me to go to his), but I asked to meet at a bar first because I wanted to talk. Honestly, I was sure I wouldn’t like him — I just wanted something to do that night.

But sweet Jesus… he wasn’t just eye candy; he was ultra sweet. After a while, he even got shy, started speaking quietly, and couldn’t look me in the eyes. He said he likes Sansa a lot (from Game of Thrones) and that I look like her. We went to my place and, yes, we had sex. It was cool. Afterward, he grabbed me and put my head on his chest. We stayed like that. He asked when he should leave and I said “now.” I can be stone-hearted sometimes.
For context, in messages I had already told him I wouldn’t stay the night at his place if we ever had sex.

Then I drew a flower on his nipple, and when he left he hugged me.

Two days later, he texted asking if I wanted to see him again.

But because of really bad timing, we didn’t see each other for a whole month. Then one evening we finally met. I came to his place, the sex was really good, and afterward we just cuddled. I was probably a bit sad though, because a week later he texted me asking if everything was okay — maybe he hurt me (he was talking about the sex).

Then we met again another month later. I know… the time gaps are bad, but we really couldn’t meet. I was in the hospital, and he’s a little motherf***er busy too.
I came to his hometown (I didn’t tell him I came for him). We had sex in his childhood home without a condom and it was awesome. We kissed during sex, he touched me a lot, and while he was driving me to his place, he kept saying “Look what you make me do.” He held my hand when we entered the house. It was very late and we needed to be quiet because of his family (teenagers haha).

After that, I left for Corsica for two months. He kissed me goodbye, and it kind of felt like we would meet again after the summer.

We didn’t really keep in touch, but he wrote to me halfway through the summer. He said he liked me, but he felt like he didn’t have the right to. I replied that I hadn’t decided yet.
I wouldn’t have been so cold, but he’s not exactly soft either. We could’ve met more often…

Then one week before I came back, he started writing to me a lot and seemed really excited. When I came back, I saw him and it went very well. He texted me after.

But the problem is, after seeing each other, he didn’t ask to see me again. When I finally did ask, he said that if I had asked him 20 minutes earlier, he would’ve said yes — and I got very angry. I didn’t say anything, but for me it was over. Too much back-and-forth. Even though it feels so real to me and I’ve never liked someone this much, it’s so frustrating. It feels like he’s the one, and I know he likes me too — but probably not enough.

After three weeks, I replied to him again, but we didn’t meet because he didn’t confirm. I know it sounds bad… He found me on Snapchat but I didn’t accept his request.

And then after one week (it’s holidays so he’s not in the city), he wrote to me very late (he’s not a late-night person), asking if I was still in Bordeaux. I said I didn’t fly to the moon yet — it was funny. Then he asked if I had a boyfriend and why I don’t want one. Seriously??? My heart was beating so fast.
I asked him why he’s single, and after a while he replied that he hasn’t found someone yet and he doesn’t really want to.

So that was the end of my beating heart. How am I supposed to understand this?

You’re probably going to say I should respect myself more or something, but I do. I always have. It’s just that I like him so much, and for me that’s rare. I can’t just let it go. And I know he likes me too. Who kisses a girl after sex just for fun? Well, maybe French people do… but he seems so natural, always looking me in the eyes, and he seems a bit shy.

So be honest: should I make a move so he understands how I feel, or should I wait for him to figure it out?

Thank you so much, I’ll be waiting!

All right — you wrote a whole movie script, so let me break this down in the simplest, most honest way possible.

First, I can tell exactly the type of woman you are.
You’re beautiful, you get a lot of attention, you know you’re desirable, and you’re used to men orbiting around you. Nothing wrong with that — it’s just the reality. You even mentioned it yourself. And because of that, you’ve gotten comfortable giving mixed signals and assuming the guy you like will just… wait.

But here’s what you’re forgetting:

Beautiful women have options.
Handsome men do too.
And he sounds like one of those men.

You’re dealing with a guy who’s good-looking, has attention from other women, and isn’t sitting at home crying because you disappeared for a month. Just like you have admirers on standby, he probably has the same. It’s an even playing field.

Now let’s talk about the pattern you’ve created:

You sleep with him…
Then you disappear for a month.
He reaches out…
You don’t put effort.
You both vanish for weeks at a time…
And then when you reconnect, it feels magical again.

That’s not love.
That’s chemistry mixed with inconsistency.

And here’s the important part:

If you really liked him the way you say you do, you would NOT go one month without sending a single message.

Not in 2025.
Not with Instagram, texting, Snapchat, memes, voice notes…
You could’ve sent ONE tiny sign of life.

But you didn’t.
Not once — multiple times.

You call yourself “stone-hearted.”
He calls himself “shy.”
That’s a very bad combination.

A shy guy won’t chase a woman who keeps going missing.
He’ll simply assume you don’t care.

Meanwhile, you’re over here thinking,
“Why doesn’t he make more effort?”

Because your mixed signals have him completely confused.

You tell him to delete you.
Then you say yes to seeing him.
Then you ghost.
Then you show up at his hometown.
Then you vanish for months.
Then you get mad when he doesn’t ask to see you faster.

You’re not dealing with an idiot — he’s reacting exactly how any reasonable man would react:

He likes you…
But not enough to fight for someone who keeps disappearing.

So to answer your question:

YES. You should’ve made a move months ago.
You should’ve been straightforward.
You should’ve stopped hiding behind “bad timing” and actually shown interest.

In today’s world, women say they want equality — good. That also means being direct when you like a guy. That means sending the first message sometimes. That means giving him clearer signs, especially if he’s shy.

You don’t have to throw yourself at him.
You just need to stop acting like he can read your mind.

Because here’s the truth you’re avoiding:
You like him more than he likes you right now — not because he doesn’t feel anything, but because your inconsistency made him stop trusting it.

If you want something with him, stop waiting.
Stop guessing.
Stop expecting him to do all the work while you disappear for weeks.

Message him.
Be clear.
Make the move.

Just understand this:

If you keep doing the disappearing act,
you won’t just lose him —
you’ll push him straight into the arms of a woman who actually shows interest.

Good luck.