I’d been seeing this guy pretty steadily for about 3 months. We hung out once a week every week without missing a beat, and while we didn’t talk or text a lot during the week, we did make contact on an almost daily basis. To be fair, I never was sure what to call it. Mutual friends would ask “so what’s going on there?” and I would always shrug and say we were just hanging out. For the record, we’ve never even held hands or kissed.
After seeing him every week though, naturally I started to develop feelings for this guy. Not the kind where I would just DIE if he didn’t return them, but I certainly did like him and decided to broach the topic of “what are we and where do you see us going” (I even cringe when this comes up, but sometimes it’s a necessary evil). I wouldn’t have even bothered if this guy had made his intentions clear from the start, but he never really did. He ALWAYS talked about “the next time we hang out, we can do this” or “after I get better hours at my job, we can have more time together”, etc. etc.
Of course, when I asked him, instead of getting essentially a yes or no answer to my questions of whether or not he liked me and if he could see us moving into a relationship, I was blindsided by a big long explanation of how right now he’s “effed up in the head” and he doesn’t really feel anything for anyone, and that “it will get better” (um, what will get better?) and that he’s just been depressed lately, and his biggest concern is that we are able to just “hang out and have fun”. What, may I ask, in the hell does THAT mean? Naturally I can assume from all of that many things: he doesn’t like me, he doesn’t want a relationship, and I guess that he just wants to be friends. But why do I have to assume at all? Why couldn’t he just say “Right now I’m kind of messed up, so if it’s all right I’d like us just to be friends right now.”
Here’s my problem: ever since we discussed this, it’s been NOTHING but mixed signals. After we talked, he kicked up his attentiveness a notch. Nothing dramatic, but it was certainly noticeable and even my friends remarked that he seemed to be backpedaling on everything he said to me, and it felt like yes means no and no means yes. He started actually CALLING me more, even when I’m at work, which before he never really called
except when we had to finalize plans. He sent more text messages just to say have a good day at work. He wanted to hang out more than just once a week.
Last Wednesday I’d had enough. I called him over to talk to him and tell him that because he would not come out and define us (I don’t know why I need this definition so badly, but I do), I had to. I had to choose friendship for us, which is fine with me, but I did it because I needed to set a healthy boundary for myself. I cannot stand being in limbo, and regardless of what’s going on in his head or whatever, I was NOT okay with leaving things swimming around in the open. After I tried to tell him this though, he basically disregarded everything I said and reiterated everything he’d already told me about being depressed, being messed up, etc. etc. After that, I was just like whatever and reminded myself that even if he didn’t accept that I was choosing to be just friends right now, I still knew what I needed to and that alone made me feel better. Oh, and I tried to tell him he was sending me mixed signals and driving me crazy, but he insisted he wasn’t and was just being himself.
Sunday after Thanksgiving rolls around, I haven’t seen him at all during the weekend since he was with family which is just fine with me, and I get a call. It’s him, and I was a little confused as to why he was calling. When I asked him what was up, he told me literally “just checking in and seeing how your weekend is going”. Not a huge deal I guess is what I thought. I still thought it was weird (nice, but still weird), especially since he called it checking in (I don’t check in with anyone but significant others for instance), but talked to him a bit and continued on with my day.
Monday morning a mutual friend of ours who is quite close to me tells me something that pissed me right off. She says to me “So… he told my brother that he had to go over to see you last Wednesday and AGAIN clarify for you what he wants, and I was LIVID because I knew you called him over specifically to tell him you just wanted to be friends!” And since I had done exactly that, naturally I was extremely upset as well.
Why is he doing this? Does he honestly think he’s being perfectly clear in his behavior right now? Why is he telling people I’m acting like a dense, desperate girl who’s chasing him around and doesn’t get what he’s trying to say to me? Please, help me out here. And if I’m the one who’s overreacting and needs to be set straight, I’ll gladly hear it. I’m just sick of his behavior and his decision to misrepresent me to save face not only really made me upset, but it hurt me a lot too. I can’t help but feel a bit betrayed by that, because I never would have expected him to pull a stunt like that in a million years.
I’m going to start by saying that you did exactly what I would advice someone to do in your situation, and that is to be straight forward and clear things up. I’m like you and I hate to be playing guessing games with a person. Not to mention it’s a bit immature and childish to act that way.
With that said, it brings me to my next point and that’s the fact that you’re dealing with a “juvenile” type of guy who is not mature enough to act like an adult. This explains the mixed signals after you told him you were only friends the first time, and it definitely explains why he would go around telling people that he had to “once again” tell you his intentions with you.
Doesn’t that remind you of middle school? You break up with someone and later find out they’re going around telling people they broke up with you. Haha…
His behavior also indicates that this guy is insecure about himself. Generally when a guy goes around telling people and pretending he dumped a girl is because he’s afraid he might be made fun of and it’s a reflection of his insecurity.
A secured guy is able to tell other people that a girl he was trying to date (or whatever) didn’t want anything with him. Guys actually get rejected more often than not. So it’s really not a big deal.
I think at this point things are starting to get kind of ugly and it’s time to walk away and hopefully be able to do it in a mature way so that you’re able to be in the same room later, given that you have mutual friends in common.
I commend you for handling this in a mature way and with elegance. I think you’re ready to be with a real man and not a kid. Good luck.