In love but feeling in a competition with porn

Q:

Hi, I realize there is a ton of questions like this but I still feel I need some help. 2 years ago I broke up with a high school boyfriend of 11 years. It was my choice, overtime we grew apart and I cared for him but was no longer physically attracted to him, which i started feeling about 2 years before we broke up, and felt I had to end it and try to be happy. Only a month after we split I started seeing a guy I work with, I knew it was very soon but I felt this physical attraction I was missing for so long and he made me feel so special. Things went fast, he asked me to move into his house which I did. About 3 months into the relationship I seen a message from a girl on his phone, not appropriate for someone not single. After this I found things in his email, which he leaves up at home and messages to random girls. Finally I had enough and left. A month later after a lot if talking he convinced me he would not do this again. He said as he was single for years before we met it was a habit for him and he knew it was wrong now that we were together, and told me over and over it was done with. Note, he is 38, I’m 31. Since I went back I have not seen anything or once felt like he was hiding anything. What is bothering me is how much time he spends on porn sites. Our sex life is OK, I initiate a lot but its still only about once a week. I play with myself a lot more now as I am a very sexual person and once a week does not cut it for me. When I’m not home all he does it download and look at porn vids/sites, hours and hours. I’ve brought this up once and he got very angry and told me what he looks at is his business, which is fair, as I enjoy it too when I play, and sometimes we watch it together, but I guess to me there’s a difference between a few videos to get off to hours and hours of looking at it. I feel almost like I have to compete against porn, which I know is both impossible and crazy! Is this normal? I don’t want to cause a fight, we get along very well, spend a lot of our free time together and I know most people look at porn and I’m not saying he shouldn’t, but why for hours? Every time I leave the house? I feel like I’m going crazy! Thanks do much in advance for your help!

A:

In most cases, I would say that your man is not getting enough sex in the relationship but in this situation that doesn’t appear to be the case.

I don’t know what you look like but one possibility could also be that you don’t turn him on and he doesn’t desire you. Have you looked at yourself in the mirror and can you honestly say you’re at least a 7 on a scale of 1 through 10? Most guys will be more than happy with at least a 7. If you’re below that in his book then he is just not that attracted to you and as a result, he doesn’t seek out sex from you.

In the event that this is not the case then it’s very obvious that if you’re more than willing to give it up anytime and any day, plus you’re physically acceptable than he has a porn addiction problem. There is such a thing as it really is a personal problem that needs to be treated just like any other addiction out there. There’s not much you can do unless he accepts that he has a problem first and is willing to change.

My advice is to have a serious talk with him and address the problem. If he doesn’t want to admit he has this problem then your only option is to leave him. Sex is obviously something really important to you and you can’t compromise on this one. You’re going to have to make the tough choice and prepare yourself for it. Good luck.

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