Q: I reconnected with an ex from college and we have started a casual friends with benefits situation.  He lives in another state about 4 hours away so we always have to plan when we see each other in advance.  I am open to the possibility of something more serious but he said that he wants to keep it casual because 1) He got his heart broken with his last relationship; 2) He doesn’t want to feel tied down because he works a lot (which is true, he is in law enforcement and I can understand because I’m in the legal field) and 3) he said because my ex is an abusive man and my “friend” is a police officer, dating me would put him at risk of losing his job in the event an altercation happened between him and my ex (my ex and I have a child so he’s not really going anywhere).  

Despite his reasons for not wanting to be in a relationship, he still texts me all day everyday and we talk about anything and everything.  Additionally, he is the one who normally initiates the contact.  He gets jealous when I am around other men, and when we are together we spend more time outside of the bedroom than in it.  “Casual” relationships do not act the way we do, he reaches out to me everyday and says goodnight to me every evening.  

What in the world is this guy thinking? Or am I just that naive to think his actions do not match up with what he claims he wants out of this whatever it is? I want to be logical and take his words at face value but at the same time my BS meter is going nuts. From your perspective, what’s his deal?

A: Sounds to me like this guy actually likes you but at the same time knows that having a relationship with you means a lot of trouble. He knows that the smart thing to do is not to be serious with you but also really likes you. At the end of the day, he is probably keeping his options open and has other women (who are local) in his life but you guys have a history together and that really puts you in a different category.

My advice to you is to not get stuck on this guy or think it will eventually lead to something serious because it probably never will. I don’t think long-distance relationships are smart since things can become very difficult and people often are unfaithful because it is so easy to be.


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