by The Last Honest Guy
Q:
I had been talking to and dating a guy since January of this year and recently ended the friendship(?)/relationship due to the fact that I did not feel like we are on the same page. We were talking every single day (along with good mornings and good nights) and went on dates every weekend consecutively for four months (January through April). The big event I feel that changed everything was that we finally got intimate after those four months. We had been kissing and holding hands on our dates and nothing more prior to this. After we crossed the line, so to speak, he told me that we should stop being intimate because we are not exclusive. He told me he had strong feelings for me but is not ready for a relationship with anyone. Since he broke that news to me, I stepped back and asked him for a break in communication because I had to reprioritize my own life and sort out my feelings towards him. He broke this boundary I set and kept texting me throughout the break. I felt like my perception of him was tainted after I trusted him enough to cross the line and have all my emotions involved. The relationship became too much for me to handle as he began opening up about his anxiety problems and even called upon me for help during his panic attacks. He told me his life is difficult and a mess and he can’t give me a relationship because he has no idea what he wants. He told me he isn’t dating anyone else and is focused on his issues. Fast forward to a more recent argument we had when he blew up and told me he lost all his feelings for me and that he didn’t force them away but the strain in our relationship caused it to happen. This is when I broke it off and he began crying (as I was crying) on the phone stating he didn’t want to lose me but would wait for me to come around and speak to him again. He told me he would delete my number until we can talk again but since has greeted my happy birthday a few weeks ago and last week told me he misses talking to me. Talk about confusing. I still feel as though he is completely confused. I’ve been through so many bad situations with guys that I know he truly does care for me but I feel as though I’m settling and being convinced to stay for whatever reason. I care for him deeply and do not know what to do. It seems he wants friendship for now but I am holding on to false hope of a future relationship. He says “we’ll be fine” and “we’ll be close again someday.” Should I just cut him off and move on for good? I am applying to graduate school this year but I envisioned him being part of my life for a long time. I’m so torn.
Thank you for your help.
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by The Last Honest Guy
Q:
As a small but kinda important piece of info you should probably know that the college I go to is a regional campus college in the same town as the high school I graduated from. I’m a freshman at the college, and the guy “in question” so to speak is a sophomore. We both graduated from the same high school, so all my girl friends from that same school know him. However, I don’t, because I only went to the high school for one year, my senior year. Both the guy and I are 19. I’m sorry this is so long.
Okay, so there is this guy I really like. He (let’s call him Chase) is sweet funny and we have a lot in common. We met at the college’s video game club. We started texting and video chatting and hanging out a lot and things were looking good. All my guy friends think we’ll be great together. Things were looking good until my girlfriends got wind that I was practically dating him.
My girlfriends (how about Amy and Erin) told me I needed to stay away from him. Which was crazy, because Erin kinda set things up by talking me up to him and him up to me. But they went on to say that he was a man whore and that I was gonna end up hurt that all he was after was sex. I didn’t buy a word of it. Both Erin and Amy have questionable backgrounds with guys, so I just blew it off. Yeah we did end up making out pretty heavily probably a little too early on, but I invited him over to my apartment to watch a movie… it wasn’t so out there for that to happen, it definitely was a mutual thing. When he left that night he gave me a cute kiss on the lips then an even cuter kiss on the forehead and told me he couldn’t wait to see me again. And from what I understand that was an obvious show of affection that he really likes me too.
I just ignored my friends. I get that they were trying to look out for me, but I felt like they were way over-stepping. Chance also knows about my past with guys and how I’ve been used before. I really didn’t see him as the type of guy to do that to me.
But when Chase found out my friends were practically ganging up on me he stopped talking to me. They flat out told me that as long as he’s around they won’t be because they don’t want to sit there and watch me make a huge mistake when he hurts me because they tried to warn me and I didn’t listen. Since he found out about that he’s pretty much blocked me out. He told me that he’ll leave because he doesn’t want me to lose my friends. I told him that was ridiculous that they’re being stupid and immature but I haven’t heard a word from him since.
This whole time I didn’t really think anything along the lines that he was going to use me, until my friends planted that idea in my head, but even then I just ignored it. But they did tell me he would make up some excuse as soon as he thought he wasn’t gonna get to sleep with me anytime soon… and the last time I saw him I made sure he knew I wanted to wait.
The whole situation is slightly suspicious on both ends and I don’t know what to think. I’ve been thrown for a serious loop. All my guy friends from the club are telling me that he is a manwhore, but honestly only when he’s not actually perusing a relationship… which they swore up and down that he was obviously perusing a relationship with me. Which, that bit of information didn’t bother me because in all honesty I’m a pretty much a whore when I’m not actively perusing a guy. So we had that in common, ironically.
All my girlfriends are telling me that he is flat out just a manwhore and that he’s just going to play the nice guy until he sleeps with me and then bail. That he has done that with both of them and other people they know. To me it sounds like they’re just biased because they have history with him, and I wasn’t around to really know what happened. Which I can’t figure anything out now because Chase stopped talking to me as soon as he heard my friends were beyond pissed and pretty much backing away from me for a while until Chance was out of the picture so well he took himself out of the picture.
I’m just so confused. Who am I supposed to listen to? The girls have known him longer but the guys spend way more time with him than any of the girls have. And I can’t even figure out anything from the “source” so to speak because he’s backed off. I really like him but I don’t know if I should pursue this or not. Do I try to make amends with him over my friends being ridiculous right now or do I just let him back off and not risk getting used? I really like him and want to give him a chance. People grow up and change, and I don’t even know if what my friends are saying is true. Things were going so great with Chase until my friends stepped in, and now I think it’s too late… I just don’t even know what to think, let alone if there really is anything I can do to salvage things and still have a chance to be with Chase.
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by The Last Honest Guy
Q:
Dear Last Honest Guy,
I’ve just come across your website and I’d like some straight forward advice. I met someone at work, and we instantly hit off and were flirting. We became good work friends and share things about our families and personal life. We also have a lot in common as far as upbringing, musical tastes, hobbies, etc. We went out about 8 months ago and finally (FINALLY) after months of flirting, and after many drinks ended up having sex. We went out on a proper date after that a few days later. We had great conversation and chemistry.
After that date, I went on vacation, and when I came back I could tell he was very distant at work. I took a step back as well then, because it’s important that work relations stay professional and there is no “bad blood”. He didn’t offer any explanation, and I didn’t ask for one. I stopped chatting him and initiating any conversation, but I was hurt.
A few months later, he asks to take me out to dinner and tells me he owes me an explanation. I go to dinner, and he explains that he was just getting out of a 4yr relationship, he is still licking his wounds, but that he did really like me and didn’t want to miss the chance to date me. I could tell he was still mourning his ex, and I said that if he’s not ready to date, then I don’t want to date him. He said he hopes I’m available when he’s ready. We say goodbye, but then he really steps up his game. He gets extra flirtatious, and after some time, I give in and start flirting back. After all, he is the only guy I’ve even considered in over a year, and I sincerely really like him. Once I flirt back, he’s gone. Not a word for another month, and I default to not initiating conversation either.
Then after a month, he chats me up. We leave the flirtations out, but just chat with friendly intentions. But, now he’s back in my head. I go out often. I meet other guys. I’m extremely picky, though, and I just can’t find anyone to take my mind off this guy.
So, fast forward – I go on vacation for a week. The day I get back, he chats me. We walk to the cafeteria and have a long conversation and some laughs. He asks me about my trip and opens up about his family life. He asks if I want to hang out that weekend, and I say yes. He says he’ll hit me up. I figured why not..I haven’t been able to get this guy out of my head for the past 8 months, so let’s finish what we started.
Surprise Face – He doesn’t call. I see him the following Tuesday after the weekend in a chance elevator encounter. He looks flustered and asks me if I’m ready for my trip…(uhhh, I just got back from my trip..remember??) I tell him he looks out of it and make an excuse to leave in the other direction. I take him off my chat. I vow not to initiate any conversation AGAIN. The next week I was sick, and he sends me a message to feel better and says lots of nice things that I graciously accept, because I was a desperately sad sick person that didn’t have the strength to push him away.
I can tell he has feelings for me, and I know he knows that I do, too. I think he likes to hold me at arms length so that I won’t move on but he can pull me in when he needs me. As much as I just want to be on to the next person, I can’t help but think there is something there with this guy, but he’s just not ready for a girlfriend.
Do you know what his strategy is? How should I be acting toward him..colder, indifferent, same?…remember, we are both professionals and I have to maintain my integrity in meetings and hallway run ins. How in the world do I move on when I see this guy all the time and he is such a charmer? I won’t put my dating life on hold until he’s ready if I meet someone, but do you think there’s a chance that he just needs time? Am I a fool?
Signed,
Obviously Confused and Played Out
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by The Last Honest Guy
Q:
So here’s the thing. The past summer at my cousin i met a guy but i wasn’t interested in a relationship. We just kissed and cuddled enjoy our time without commitment,back then i was thinking that we’ll forget each other. After I’ve got home, he called me all day and told me how much he misses me and then he told me he loves me. After a short period of time I’ve started to be attached to him but I’ve keep telling myself that i am not that into him. As i’ve started to know him i’ve noticed that he has an aggressive behavior, he is rude and dishonest with me and he has a girlfriend and other “girlfriends” so he’s a player. At that moment i told myself to not take him seriously and i knew he wasn’t good for me but i’ve keep talking to him on the phone. After several months of this illusion of “love” he started calling me less frequently until he stopped contacting me at all. My big problem is that it’s been almost a year since we met for the first time and i still can’t forget him, i think of him everyday even if i try not to. I never called him, actually we talked only when he contacted me so i am definitely not a stalker. I thought if we brake any contact i ‘ll definitely forget him but it doesn’t work. I want to heal please help me, need some advice.
P.S. English is not my native language
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by The Last Honest Guy
Q:
I started college a year ago, during that period I met a guy I went to high school with but never talked to. Now we are in the same group of friends, but we always flirted from the moment we met. One time after a few drinks and coming back from the club he kissed me…a few days later we had sex, he was my first. At first it was casual, nothing serious. But now we text all the time, he doesn’t see anyone else, we tell each other we miss each other, we hold hands whenever we go to the mall. He pays when i go out..he even cleaned my car once without me asking. And one time, when we were both a bit drunk he said that he was “gonna stay with me”..but i didn’t take it seriously at the time cause i was drunk. It’s been like this for almost months but he has made no attempt at asking me out or date…i have no idea what is going on…help please?
by The Last Honest Guy
Q:
What he was doing. no idea why, but he did.). I texted him telling him to drive safe since he has bad night vision and I was going to bed. He texted me back and told me that i was a really nice sweet pretty woman but he didn’t think the feelings were the same. He said I was a great mom with two wonderful kids. He said he would just disappear and he was sorry for wasting my time and that there was someone good out there for me. He blocked me on fb, removed his dating profile and is ignoring my texts and phone calls. We never talked about any feelings, we just considered each other good friends. I would have dated him if had asked. He loved kids, so that wasn’t the problem. He has a stressful life due to the fact that his dad has a lot of issues that he has to put up with. He also got out of a bad relationship on the summer of 13. But my question is…. Why? Everything was perfect and he just went . I mean, was he scared? He didn’t say he wasn’t interested. We both agreed however we were looking for a long term relationship. I’m worried, as a friend. What do I do? How can I tell if he didn’t like me, or was scared???
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