Hi I just started dating a gentleman who I met in June 2010 and just started to date in January 2011. He is 33years old African American. we were friends first and just started to date. So my question is.. I’m I or are we obligated to give gifts on valentines day? (more…)
Dear last honest guy,
My husband and I have been married for three years and our each others firsts for many things and high school sweethearts. He joined the air force right out of high school in 2007 and we ended up stationed in Montana married at 18 & 19 years old. I joined also in January of 2010 but we are now going through a divorce because while I was away, he committed adultery with a 17 year old high school drop out and was actually discharged from the air force for it. He lied to me about the discharge reason but once I knew the truth, there was no turning back.
There’s more to it than that though… he has very bad anger issues since joining and landing in security forces which is what he wanted by the way. I’ve never seen him so angry until we moved to Montana and then he was just pessimistic about everything. He was a very spoiled husband. I took care of the finances and cooked… did all my wifely duties and had a career in the air force wanting to go for officer. He just kind of existed until I left for training and he had to fend for himself. He’s always had friends younger than him. And when I say younger I mean high school kids while he’s 22. I have my issues too… I got upset easily if he over drafted our accounts or ran up cards and such. But he always had this way of making me feel like a criminal for accidents. For instance, if I were to hurt myself I never received a “honey are you alright?” It was always “dammit. What did you do now.” I sometimes wonder if he really thought that when I woke up in the mornings I pondered about how I could piss him off that day.
Anyway…
It’s been a month and a half since our separation now and 3 months since his discharge. I’m still in Montana and he had his mother fly him home to Florida where he still has no job, no money and he is living with his parents. He was very resentful towards me when he left and for a while did not talk to me and would contact my supervision demanding that I send him money and my wedding rings back. He is also on several dating sites and has been portraying me as crazy and that he’s completely divorced and ready to find someone positive.
I’ve been pretty content with my new life so far and am awaiting a court date to make things final. But recently before our 3rd year anniversary on December 23rd, he began contacting me. He would act cute and lovey like how he did when we were together and if I told him to stop because it wasn’t normal, he would do it anyway. At one point I asked him if he still loved me or something but he told me he wasn’t sure and that he was battling his emotions. He did however still wish me happy anniversary and even asked to be my new years kiss over a phone call… A week later he was telling me he missed me and loved me and tried to get me to fly him back here which I refused to do. He has also expressed a great deal of desire towards my body and sex and whatnot. And honestly I think he’s just not getting laid in Florida and is trying to get with me when I visit family this July.
He tells me he wants to be friends but what he’s doing in regards to the old comforts of affection that we once shared with each other is not normal. And sorry… but I’m no security blanket to someone who wants to play single or guess the std. I’m now being told from mutual friends that he is telling people that even though we are getting divorced, he and I are staying boyfriend and girlfriend. I’m a little annoyed… and though I’ve expressed it time and time again he still acts delusional. I don’t understand why he is doing this. Because he still asks about how the divorce process is going.
I’m the type of person who takes marriage seriously. I was monogamous with this man for almost 5 years and he’s done more damage to our relationship than I care to share here… but to make it short, his adultery was not the first time therefore I wasn’t going to take it anymore. I have gone out on several non committed dates with a nice man here who is recently divorced and just wanting to talk. However, I’ve made it clear that once my divorce is final I am giving myself one full year free from dating and men so I can live for me for once. I don’t know what to do about my husband… I’ve told him that when
the divorce is final he will never have another chance with me and I will most certainly not humor the idea of friendship. I will drop off the face of the planet to him. But like always, he thinks he’s too irresistible for me to do this.
I’m just lost. The man I planned on sharing the rest of my life with has gone loopy on me. It went from rage to lovey in a month. And I have done my best to stay serious when he tries to act adorable but at the beginning I’m not going to lie I would also give in and act lovey to him. But I started putting two and two together and the what ifs started forming. I’m not on board with this second chance in the future he keeps babbling about. But I want to know- is he serious? Or am I really just the security blanket? I won’t be an enabler and I won’t be used for affection just because nobody finds him interesting. And those who do turn out to be just like all the other immature girls he’s so used to attracting. I want to know why he seems so interested in me… I think it’s a phase he will get over. But he assures me it isn’t. (more…)
Well, Valentine’s Day is around the corner and you don’t know what to buy your boyfriend, husband, guy you like or significant other, right?
Luckily it doesn’t have to be such a hard decision this year because I’ve taken the time to make a list of 10 pretty unique Valentine’s Gifts for Him. In this list you will find gift ideas that range from just a few dollars to some that cost a couple of hundred. Only you can make the decision on what fits for your specific relationship.
I will also give you a current price, a short description of the item and an explanation of why this is a good choice of a gift for a guy. This will certainly cut down your research time and the headache of taking the time of doing it yourself. I know, you can thank me later.
So, lets start! (more…)
When a guy gives you mixed signals, it is tempting to ask, “Is he confused, or is he playing me?”
That question makes sense. Confusion can look like hot-and-cold behavior. So can selfishness. So can a guy who wants access to you without responsibility.
The mistake is trying to solve his psychology before you look at his pattern. You do not need to know every reason behind his behavior to decide whether it is good for you.
I met this guy on an online dating site. He is two years older than me. We started texting, then met up about a month later.
The first time we met, he left me waiting outside in the cold for an hour. I had traveled 45 minutes to see him. We ended up hooking up in the back of his car for about 10 minutes before he left to go back to work.
After that, I told him I never wanted to see him again. He made a rude comment back to me, and I knew the whole thing was bad.
Then right before New Year’s, he started texting me again. At first I thought he was just trying to hook up, even though he was saying things like he wanted me for himself and calling me his “wifey.”
I met him again on New Year’s Eve, and afterward he texted me saying he was my boyfriend now. Later that week he wanted me to come all the way to his house or meet him at my friend’s apartment, but I was busy. He got mad and said, “Forget it.”
Then my phone got damaged, so I emailed him. He did not answer. I called him and asked to meet up, and he said he would message me instead. He never did.
I feel like I need a hard phone call from reality. If I knew this guy was sketchy, why did I keep going back? What is his deal? Is he confused, or is he just a player? Did I play my cards wrong?
First things first: this guy is not some complicated mystery. From what you described, he is playing you.
He left you waiting outside in the cold. He hooked up with you in a rushed, careless way. He insulted you when you called him out. Then he came back around with sweet words when he wanted access again.
That is not confusion. That is a pattern.
And no, you did not “play your cards wrong.” This is not a card game. A guy who respects you does not need the perfect strategy from you before he treats you decently.
Quick answer: if he is confused but basically decent, he may be inconsistent, but he will still show respect. If he is playing you, he will use charm, sexual attention, guilt, or vague promises to keep you available while giving very little back.
The difference is not whether he says he likes you. The difference is whether his behavior protects your dignity or only serves his convenience.
Look at the pattern without trying to make it romantic:
That is not a guy slowly figuring out his feelings. That is a guy who wants the benefits without the effort.
A confused man may genuinely like you and still not know what he wants. That does happen. Men can be unsure, immature, scared, or not ready.
But confusion should still have limits.
Confusion is not a free pass. But if he is confused and respectful, you can have a calm conversation and decide whether waiting makes sense for you.
A guy who is playing you usually creates intensity without responsibility. He says enough to keep you attached, but his actions keep reminding you that your needs are not the priority.
If this sounds familiar, read this next: 10 signs the guy you are dating is a player.
Strong chemistry can make a bad pattern feel meaningful. If the physical connection is intense, you may start looking for a deeper explanation.
Maybe he is scared. Maybe he has feelings he cannot express. Maybe he is secretly serious but bad at showing it.
Maybe. But chemistry does not prove character.
A man can be attracted to you and still treat you carelessly. He can enjoy you and still not be good for you. He can say “you are my girlfriend now” and still act like a guy who only wants you when it is convenient.
Women often take sweet words from a man and use them to excuse bad behavior.
He called you his girl. He said he wanted you for himself. He acted jealous. He came back after disappearing.
Those things can feel meaningful, but they do not erase the pattern. A guy can use romantic words because they work. If saying “wifey” gets him access to you again, he may say it even if he has no intention of acting like a serious boyfriend.
Do not just listen to the words. Watch the behavior.
You asked why you kept going back when you already knew he was sketchy. The answer is not that you are stupid. The answer is that attention can feel powerful when you want the story to be different.
You liked the fantasy. You liked the chemistry. You liked the idea that maybe he really did want you and just did not know how to show it.
That does not make you weak. It makes you human. But once the evidence is clear, staying blind becomes a choice.
You do not need a dramatic speech. You need a boundary you are actually willing to keep.
“I am not interested in keeping this going. The way you have treated me does not work for me, and I am moving on.”
Then stop debating. A boundary is not a negotiation.
Here is the honest truth: this guy is showing you player behavior, not harmless confusion. He may like the attention. He may like the sex. He may like knowing he can pull you back in with a few words.
But a man who respects you does not leave you waiting, insult you, use boyfriend language when it benefits him, and then disappear when you need basic effort.
The lesson is not that you played your cards wrong. The lesson is that you need to stop giving serious access to men who have not earned serious trust.
If you want help decoding what his behavior actually means, join the list and get the Honest Guy mixed signals checklist. If your situation has details that do not fit this article, send in your question. Sometimes the details change the answer.
When a guy suddenly acts clingy after choosing someone else, it can mess with your head.
If he wanted someone else, why is he still trying to pull your attention back?
Here is the honest answer: sometimes a man does not get clingy because he is in love. Sometimes he gets clingy because you did not chase him, and his ego does not know what to do with that.
Let’s get the easy stuff out of the way: I am 22; the male in question is 21.
We are both ultra-boring white kids who grew up in Catholic school, although not the same one. Insert laugh here.
So, I am not really into clingy. That is something I make sure to note to anyone with whom I speak, be it friend, foe, or significant other. Not so into the last one, as I do not typically date.
I also have pre-defined relationship views and decisions, already made and ready to go, should I ever idiotically enter into one. They are simple things, mostly. For example, telling the guy how often I am comfortable being contacted and how easily annoyed I get if certain lines are crossed.
I make sure to tell whatever unfortunate male thinks dating me is a good idea in advance, and usually it works out pretty well.
For example, I might say, “Hey, I am perfectly okay with kissing, but not so into the sex thing, so do not get too excited.” Insert a wink and a smile, and they are usually already laughing. And they respect the boundaries.
Maybe I have just gotten lucky.
Whatever.
The male in question was respectful of those boundaries, although I feel they may have made him insecure because he asks a lot of, “Do you think this is too clingy?” type questions.
Or maybe he is just open to lines of communication. I was hoping for the latter, but probably not the case in point.
He is, um. You know. 21.
Anyway, I lost my virginity to him two days ago, and yesterday he called and asked me to come over and stay the night.
Reasons I said no:
- The dog was sick.
- I had been up since 5 a.m.
- I was entirely too exhausted to drive two hours to see him.
Those three combined formed this sentence to him: “Not tonight.”
Do not get me wrong. I am heartless, but I did explain the first two reasons as well.
So. 21. Yes. Must mention that again.
This morning, he calls with a, “You know how I make rash decisions…?” and you can probably guess the rest from there. He found another girl with whom to share his bed.
He sounded apologetic on the phone.
I just said, “Well, best of luck in your new relationship.”
So that is most of the situation. I do not think it is worth getting mad over something like that. If he wants to be with someone else or becomes upset enough to do whatever he did for whatever reason he formed in his head, he is more than welcome.
I also do not think it is worth trying to work it out when it happened so early. Really, thank heavens. Later in the relationship may have led to me being less rational about it.
What I am failing to understand is WHY OH WHY he is being ridiculously clingy right now.
I assumed I had done something, other than the not-coming-over thing, to prompt all of that. I would think sleeping with someone else is one of those, “I do not want to be with you anymore” things. Or maybe he thinks that is okay and we can move on. Or even better, a way of saying, “I am not that into you.”
I am so failing to understand this.
My guess is immaturity mixed with a strange understanding of how the world works, as in his behavior is okay because of whatever rationale he formed in his head to explain it away. But he is not giving me “GO AWAY” signals. He is giving me the exact opposite.
If I had said, “Yes, I am angry,” when he asked if I was mad, would that have helped? Not really into lying, but still.
Seriously.
WHAT is going on?
First of all, you really sound like the type of girl who does not believe in love, or at least has a pretty rough perception of relationships in general.
I get why. You are trying to protect yourself. You have rules. You have boundaries. You have already decided what lines are not getting crossed before the guy even gets comfortable enough to test them.
That is not always a bad thing.
But be careful with having a complete rulebook for every relationship before the relationship even exists. Every relationship is different. If you go into all of them already expecting the guy to annoy you, trap you, cling to you, or disappoint you, you may end up creating distance before the other person even has a chance.
Now, to your actual question.
I do not think you did anything wrong by saying no. You were tired. Your dog was sick. He lived two hours away. A normal guy may be disappointed, but he does not need to punish you for that.
What probably happened is this: when some guys feel challenged, especially around sex or rejection, their ego gets involved. He wanted you to come to him, spend the night, and probably keep the physical side of things going with very little effort from him.
Are you kidding me?
From a lazy guy’s point of view, that is the dream. Have the girl drive two hours to him, stay the night, and give him exactly what he wants.
When you said no, he did not handle it maturely.
So he did what he was probably going to do sooner or later anyway: he found someone else.
That is the old “hit it and quit it” behavior. Crude phrase, but it fits.
At first, he may have seemed interested after you slept together, but that may have been because he wanted to keep the access going as long as possible with the least effort possible. When you did not play along, he moved on fast.
Here is the part that probably threw him off: your reaction was not what he expected.
I mean, come on. I did not even expect that from a girl who just lost her virginity to a guy and then got told two days later that he was with someone else.
You did not cry, beg, explode, or chase. You said, “Best of luck in your new relationship.”
That probably hit his ego harder than any angry speech would have.
So now you are a challenge again.
That explains why he is suddenly acting clingy. Not because he discovered deep love overnight. Because he did not get the emotional reaction he expected, and now he wants to know if he can still get your attention.
Yeah, the new girl.
I have a feeling this girl, and probably other girls, existed before you came around. The only difference is you did not know about it.
That is not a guaranteed fact, but from a guy’s perspective, the way this happened does not look like some brand-new love story. It looks like he had options, wanted convenience, and used the “rash decision” line to make it sound less ugly than it was.
Do not romanticize that.
Quick answer: you are not the clingy one here. You are the opposite of clingy. You set a boundary, accepted his decision, and did not throw a fit.
That is exactly what threw him off.
He probably expected you to be hurt, jealous, angry, or desperate to win him back. Instead, you basically said, “Best of luck,” and kept your dignity.
Now he is acting clingy because he wants to know if he still has access to your attention.
That does not mean he wants a real relationship.
It means he wants to know if he still matters.
A guy can act clingy after choosing someone else for a few reasons:
That is the part women often miss.
His clinginess does not automatically mean he regrets what he did. It may just mean he does not like that you handled it calmly.
Do not compete with the new girl.
Do not apologize for having a boundary.
Do not let his sudden clinginess make you think he is now serious.
And definitely do not let him turn this into a game where he acts wounded because you did not drive two hours after being awake since 5 a.m.
You can be honest if he asks:
“I am not angry. I just do not see the point in continuing this after what happened.”
That is enough.
Here is the honest truth: this guy showed you what he does when he does not get what he wants.
He did not handle it with maturity. He did not respect the timing. He made a “rash decision,” then came back acting clingy because your reaction did not give him the emotional payoff he expected.
That is not a man you need to chase.
That is a man you should study for about five seconds, learn from, and keep moving.
Ok… so I’ve been talking to and really enjoying this great guy I met through friends, my only issue is that he’s considerably larger than me, I’m 5’4, 105 lbs, he’s 6’0, 300+ (I’m bad a judging guy weight but he’s pretty huge), I don’t really know how any of the physical stuff would work….. HELP!! (more…)
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