by The Last Honest Guy
Falling for a man too fast can make you feel like you finally found something real. It can also make you ignore the parts of the situation that are not working.
Here is the honest truth: strong feelings are not the same as a stable relationship. Chemistry is not commitment. Support is not the same as choosing a future together.
Reader Question: Did I Fall For Him Too Fast?
I was married for 10 years. About six months after leaving my husband, I met someone else I care about very much.
We dated for a while and things were perfect. I have three kids and he has one. When we were comfortable enough, we brought our kids into the picture. He is not much of a kid person, and I have three kids, so that became an issue.
After four or five months of dating, we broke up for a few weeks, got back together for a couple of months, then broke up again. We stayed friends the whole time.
We never officially got back together, but he is the first person I talk to every day and the last person I talk to every night. We talk all day. We laugh. He is my best friend, and he says the same about me.
When my kids are not with me, I spend my free time with him. Even when we are not together, we are usually on the phone. I know he is not seeing anyone else, but I do not know what to do. We are not together, but we are. It is confusing.
He has helped me so much. After my divorce, I had nothing. He helped me get my first vehicle, pushed me to go back to school, and is always there when I need him. We are sleeping together too.
Sometimes I feel like I am wasting my time and things will never work out. I am not getting younger, and if I stay attached to him, I may never move on and find someone willing to love me and everything about me, including my kids.
I love him unconditionally. He feels like family to me. I just do not know where to go from here. What do I need to do?
The Honest Guy’s Answer
You fell for him too fast.
That does not mean your feelings are fake. It means your feelings are moving faster than the facts. You are talking about him like permanent family, but the actual relationship is unstable, undefined, and already has a major issue: your life comes with children, and he is not really a kid person.
That is not a small detail. That is one of the main details.
Quick Answer: Slow Down Before You Build A Life Around Him
Quick answer: you need to slow down, step back emotionally, and stop treating this like a settled relationship until both of you are clear about what you want. He may care about you. He may be a good support system. But caring about you is not the same as being ready for the life you are asking him to step into.
Why Falling Fast Feels So Intense
After a divorce or long relationship, attention can hit harder than usual. You are not just dating a man. You may also be feeling seen, helped, wanted, supported, and alive again.
That can feel like love. Sometimes it is love. Sometimes it is relief mixed with chemistry.
The problem is that relief can make you attach to someone before you really know whether he fits your actual life.
Chemistry Vs Reality
- Chemistry says: we talk all day and the connection feels amazing.
- Reality asks: are we officially together, or are we acting like it without commitment?
- Chemistry says: he helped me when I had nothing.
- Reality asks: can he accept the full life that comes with me, including my kids?
- Chemistry says: he feels like family.
- Reality asks: has he earned that place, or am I giving it to him because I am attached?
What His Behavior Is Telling You
He cares about you. I do not doubt that. A man does not stay that connected, help that much, and talk that often if he feels nothing.
But he also has not fully chosen the relationship. You have broken up more than once. You are sleeping together. You are emotionally attached. But you are not officially together.
That is the part you need to stop smoothing over. If you want a real relationship, friendship plus sex plus daily phone calls is not enough.
What You Should Do Next
- Stop calling it family until the relationship is actually stable.
- Be honest about whether he can accept your life with your kids.
- Stop sleeping with him if it keeps you attached to an undefined situation.
- Decide what you actually need, not just what you hope he becomes.
- Have one clear conversation about whether this is moving toward a real relationship.
You can say:
“I care about you, but I cannot keep acting like we are together while we are not. I need to know if we are actually building something or if I need to start letting go.”
The Honest Truth
Here is the honest truth: you are not wrong for loving him, but you may be wrong for building your emotional future around him before he has clearly chosen the role you want him to play.
If he wants the relationship, he needs to step into it clearly. If he does not, you need to stop letting daily attention keep you stuck in a relationship that only exists halfway.
by The Last Honest Guy
I’m 25, my boyfriend is 32; we’re both Puerto Rican. We’ve been together about 4 years. Overall we have a great relationship. He works very hard in his business to be able to provide for his son and to make sure that we have a nice lifestyle in the future. Over the last several weeks, he has had little to no sex drive. To add to that, I’ve lost weight and he doesn’t find me sexually attractive because I’m too skinny. I understand that stress from working can make him not as into sex and I’ve tried to be patient. We spoke about it today and it turned into an argument. Finally I said “I shouldn’t have to twist your arm into being intimate with me, “look at me” and he said, “you know I’m not into super skinny chicks so what is there for me to look at that’s supposed to get me aroused?” My feelings are very hurt by this whole situation because I would think that genuine feelings and love would supersede physical appearance. It’s also messing with my psyche as a woman to know that the man I love that claims to love me so much isn’t sexually attracted to me and has no desire to be intimate with me. We’ve been intimate lately about every week and a half. It used to be several times per week. I feel like I have no control here. Please advise.
Thanks! (more…)
by The Last Honest Guy
I need help! I have met an amazing guy online. We talked for about 2 weeks then, since we live in the same town, we decided to do lunch. We had a great time. For weeks we would spend a good part of the day chatting online. We eventually went out a second time and had a great time. However, he is going through divorce. He has said they are not getting back together.. But the last time we went out he poured his heart out to me over his frustration over her behavior. After that date, he has been distant. We haven’t really chatted online any more. We are friends on facebook so he does respond to some of my emails. I asked if he wanted to hang out and his response has been “I have been busy and a lot on my mind”. On Fridays on facebook he posts that he needs friends to hang with for the nite. I totally understand that. He needs personal time… but some of those friends are girls. He never includes me in “friend” time. It makes me wonder if he still views me as possible more than another gal pal. While we don’t chat (still occasionally sends message on facebook) or hang out anymore, no matter what I post as my facebook status, he “likes” it (not every single one, but I would say about 60-75% of the time. it has also been brought to my attention by a buddy of mine that I have been too clingy toward everyone here lately… even this guy I like…. so I sent him a message explaining how I have realized my clinginess and I didn’t mean to be that way. I need advice on how to know what this guy is thinking, where I stand with him, how to get home comfy enough with me to hang out again because he is the sweetest guy I have ever met and he is a true gentleman. A dream come true…help!!! (more…)
by The Last Honest Guy
I met this guy at school a few weeks ago. He is in a fraternity. He text me that same day, he was so sweet. He told me he is interested in me. We met up at school a few day later. We were flirting. I walked him to his car. In the parking lot, we were making out. It went a little too far. He would text me everyday. On Saturday, he invited me to hang out with his friends. I invited my friend to come along. He later told me we were going to play beer bong. He text me, that his friends doesn’t believe he has two hot girls. My friend didn’t want to go. We went to the movies instead. My friends think he now views me as slut. I wasn’t suppose to kiss him right away. He just wants sex. They tell me frat guys only want one thing. He stopped texting me. I text me. We always hang out in his car. We would make out. We hold hands. He tells me, he likes me. I text him a few days later, he didn’t respond. I am wondering, does he really like me? is he just using me? Should I continue to see him? (more…)
by The Last Honest Guy
Hi, there’s a guy I’ve been dating for almost 5 months now. We have a lot of background, ever since the day we met (almost 3 years now) he’s been interested in me. I was not interested at the time, he ask me to be his girlfriend a couple of times and I said no, in a gentle way. We kept talking, on and off for a period of time. During one of those offs he had a girlfriend with whom he was for only 2 months before she left him to go back to her ex. Months after that we started talking again, we got to know each other in a deeper lever and I decided to date him.
He told me one time, over the phone, he loved me, and asked me to go out for a family dinner. I felt we were moving really fast and said no, (and didn’t reply to his ‘I feel I love you’) after that he got a bit cold. I understood he probably felt I was going to leave him again, thing I didn’t planned on doing.
He started being really cold at times, and extremely interested in others. He was literally driving me nuts so we started getting into a lot of troubles, he told me he was no longer looking for a girlfriend. I figured out I had it deserved for acting like such a bitch sometimes. He continue dating, I knew he had feelings for me because I knew he had told his family and closest friend about us. We started to get intimate, and even though we kept talking like always (every day, all day) he no longer took me on dates or had details with me. I figured out that since he had what all guys are looking for he stopped caring about making a good impression. So I started acting like a bitch again. He had fights and since it did hurt me to feel like he didn’t care I said many times I wanted to end what he had. He always stayed calmed and said he did care, and that I needed to think things clearly. So we kept moving on. He at times acted extremely jealous, he even cried in front of me one time during a fight he thought I was seeing someone else… problem is, yesterday he said he was probably going on a date. I thought he was joking, I still don’t know for sure, he started getting into a fight and I told him I was not going to let that pass, and that it was not fair that he could see other people, he said I could do the same… That night I went out with some of our friends and a picture was taken of me and another guy, by the time I woke up I had many msgs saying that it was obvious that I cared, and that I was all lies and good bye.. he erased me before I had a chance to reply. I don’t know what is going on, if he had just one of those moments I tend to have so many times where I just want to end things because of jealousy, I don’t know if he only used it as an excuse to go out with someone else and not feel bad about it… btw, when we are good, we are great. and I always try to understand also the fact that his two girlfriends have cheated on him, and let go of the fact he may not want a girlfriend because he might have trust issues. I don’t know what to do anymore, I sent him two messages 1 explaining the night/picture, and another one saying I didn’t understand what was going on. Should I give him space or should I just move on already? I do care deeply for him. (more…)
by The Last Honest Guy
Dear Last Honest Guy,
I am going out with two guys who happen to be friends. Let’s call them Tom and Jerry. Tom and Jerry are both from the same culture (different from mine).
I first met Tom and he was at first vocal about his interest in me. We go out regularly but he has this bad habit of not keeping in touch. When we’re together though we always have a great time. He just has this one track mind and focuses only on what he has on his plate for the moment. Anyway, I’ve established that he doesn’t want to be my boyfriend and that is fine with me. He is graduating soon. I’m comfortable with the idea that I will only be seeing him for the duration of the time that he’s here.
Now Jerry and I met shortly after I met Tom. I would find out later that Jerry wanted to ask me out too. But since he didn’t, we got into this easy friendship. We talk daily. Recently however, Jerry asked me out. I thought about it and I am not averse to the idea. I figured since I am not committed to anyone, I am not accountable to anyone.
On one occasion however, Tom called me while I was out with Jerry. I would call him back later that evening and Tom never said anything about my going out with Jerry. On a second occasion, Tom called me and I told him I was out with Jerry again. This irritated him and soon after we talked about it.
You see, I have always been reasonable in dealing with relationships. I have told Tom pointblank that when he doesn’t keep in touch with me I feel so distant from him. I have noticed that he has been exerting more effort to keep in touch during the week after that talk. Anyway, he said he felt irritated that I went out but then he realized that he can’t expect anything from me that he can’t do himself. He said if he sees me once a week or if he gets to spend time with me when he can he is fine with that. He understands that I may need more time than that. So he said it is okay with me to go out with other people.
I thought he didn’t need to tell me that because I still go out with other people. After all, I don’t want to just keep waiting by the phone and wait for him to take me out when it is convenient for him.
Anyway, lately though Tom has exerted more effort to see me. Jerry on the other hand keeps trying to see me everyday.
I know I can’t keep this up. In the end I will have to choose. But I want to choose when I am comfortable and when I want to already. I admit I am more attracted to Tom than Jerry despite the easy friendship Jerry and I have. Otherwise I shouldn’t bother with Tom anymore when Jerry is so into me and wants to be my boyfriend.
However, in the grand scheme of things, these guys are transients in my life. This will not give me ‘forever’. Their culture has already determined that.
I feel like Jerry is more emotionally invested in me. I feel that should I decide to stop seeing Tom, Tom will be okay with it. Tom is used to being alone after all. And I’ve already determined that he can only be emotionally invested in me to an extent.
Last Honest Guy, am I being selfish if I keep seeing both of them? I don’t want to make a decision just yet. I admit I like the attention I am getting. However, I still have to figure out how I feel about both.
If I am to be wise about this I would just walk away and not choose either one of them at all. I think I am infatuated with Tom though. Yet I do care for Jerry.. and from the looks of how things are going I am not averse at the thought of him being my boyfriend. But I can’t quit on Tom just yet.
I am being fickle, am I not? Last Honest Guy, what do you think I should do?
I admit, other than these guys I also keep in touch with other people. But these two are the only ones I go out on dates with on a regular basis.
I don’t really know what to ask you. I just thought I would vent and get your POV. (more…)
