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Stop being so needy

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About a year ago, I was introduced to a friend of my brothers and cousin at my grandmother’s visitation. Clearly, at that time, I had other things occupying my mind & I didn’t think a lot about seeing him again after that. After a while I thought about him occasionally because he didn’t really speak at the visitation & I just wondered who he was and what his story was.

Around 9 months later, he added me on Facebook. We would talk about once a month on there & he kept flirting with me. I had mentioned to my brother once on how I was interested in him & my brother mentioned it to our cousin who is his best friend. My cousin told him and he said he felt the same way. Let me go ahead and mention how I am 21 and he is 29. I know it’s a huge difference, but I’m not really your average 21 year old girl. He started talking to me on Facebook one night & gave me his number. The second I sent him a text he started calling me every other night.

What struck me as odd right off the bat, is that he wasn’t very fond of text messaging with me. I knew there was the possibility that he just wasn’t a fan of texting, so it didn’t bother me. We continued to get to know each other and he told me how he works a full time job & a lot of the time, he brings his work home. He rehearses in a band about 2-3 nights a week and has gigs every other weekend that he sometimes travels for. He also takes care of an older lady he lives with that took him in after he lost both of his parents within a period of two years. A lot of nights he had to get off the phone because he had to go do something for her and he would say, call me back in 15 minutes. One night I called him back and he never answered and I got my feelings hurt. The next day he apologized and said he appreciated how patient and accommodating I was being to his odd telephone etiquette.

After a week of phone conversation, he mentioned how he could not see me that weekend because he already had plans. The next weekend on Thursday night, he asked me to go out with him Friday night & we got together for a movie date. He was very sweet & I thought it was a great date. After that, the following week, we talked on the phone everyday while he still displayed odd behavior sometimes when I would message him and he would not respond to some of the messages. The following weekend, we spent time together again. This time he asked me a few days ahead of time. We had a great time and hugged each other goodnight.

Then the phone calls started becoming scattered, some text messages went unanswered, but then he would surprise me and call one night. Then, when I wasn’t even expecting him to, he asked me to see him the next weekend. We saw a movie and then came back to my house to watch another movie. When we watched the movie, for the first time, he kissed me several times. It was all initiated by him. At the end of the night we hugged goodnight and he asked if he could call me that night. He called me and we talked. The week after, he started acting very strange and I barely heard from him. Then he would call and say “I just wanted to call and make an appearance”.

About a week later I asked if I could talk to him and if he would call me when he got off work. I told him that I didn’t appreciate being ignored like I had been & he gave me this big long story about how he was trying to go places with his band and how we didn’t know each other well and how he wasn’t at a place in his life to dive into a relationship. Once he heard how I wasn’t in the mood to dive into a
relationship, all of a sudden he didn’t want to break it off. I thought, at the end of the conversation, we were basically done so I didn’t speak to him the rest of the day or the next day. The next night he called me like nothing happened and I thought things were fine again. Then after that, he doesn’t call me for 3 days.

Out of nowhere, I get a text 3 days later that says he saw me driving. We start talking and then he stops because his sister has a birthday he had to be at. I knew things were weird because of him not speaking
to me for 3 days because he’s never done that. I asked to speak with him that night when he was free. He told me, sure, that he would call. He never called that night. I sent him a message the next day telling him how I’ve never been anything but patient and good to him and that I didn’t deserve it. He called about 30 minutes after I sent it and I was too hurt to answer. He left a voicemail saying he didn’t call on purpose because he wanted to avoid the conversation because he knew what it was about.

He said he had typed out this really long text message to send to me but that he decided against sending that. He started saying how he didn’t like how my feelings kept getting inadvertently hurt. Then he
went on some thing on how he wasn’t in “dating mode” and how he didn’t see a relationship as a priority in his life. I asked him why he called me a few days before that then and he said “because I wanted it then”. He then went on saying how he didn’t see a relationship as a priority and that he has never been too into having a relationship, that other things were more important to him. He kept saying over and over again about how he wasn’t “scared.” He said that ever since his last relationship he hasn’t really been on the prowl or let himself go.

I was just extremely confused. I can’t figure out what I did wrong. All I did was care about him and like him. If he didn’t want a relationship, he shouldn’t have kissed me like he did. Of course it’s going to hurt me to kiss him for the first time, and then all of a sudden he starts acting weird and not wanting a relationship. The thing is though, I’m not the only person he ignores. My cousin is his best friend & he never returns my cousin’s calls or text messages. I can’t figure this guy out. I know I deserve better, I’m just trying to figure out where it all went wrong, or if it was doomed from the beginning. My cousin told me he was really messed up from his last relationship that lasted 8 months. He said I was the first girl he went after, after his breakup about 4 months later. He just went from pursuing me on Facebook and on the phone & going on dates, to kissing me and freaking out.

http://www.thelasthonestguy.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/ANSWER.jpg

First of all I think you’re way too much of a drama queen. You’re constantly playing games with this guy and keep acting too sensitive over stupid stuff like not getting a phone call everyday or not getting a response to your texts right away. Do you really think a guy who you barely started dating is supposed to call you every day with out missing a beat? Give me a break.

I honestly think you were asking for too much right off the get go. At the same time I believe this guy wasn’t ready for a serious relationship and he was honest about by telling you he was in a band who travels and he took care of an elder. What more do you want?

My advice is to stop being so needy and pick people who are ready for a serious relationship. By the way, a guy kissing you doesn’t mean he wants a relationship, it means he wants to get laid.

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Comments on this entry are closed.

  • Nikki88

    Hey mr, I think what your saying to this female may be honest coming from your side, but you should try and see it from the female point of view as well and not be so brutal and quick to judge her as the needy and whingy one. First of all, this so-called male that she was having issues with appears to be suffering from serious confusion. First of all: HE pursued HER. HE was calling HER. ALOT. and saying shit you dont say to a female if your not interested. Yeah maybe she put a little too much into it for the early stages but Im proud that she atleast managed to take a stand and say she didnt appreciate being treated like (obviously) shit. Sure they werent in a relationship but the constant inconsistency of calling and then not calling and then interested and then not sure as hell gives a woman the right to snap back and tell the guy she doesnt appreciate being treated like that. if it was me Id have told the guy to fuck off ages ago and not even bothered to try and figure out WHY he was acting like a dick calling ONLY when it benefitted him in some way and never giving any clear indication of anything. shes NOT a drama queen she just needs to realise that men like that just arent worth our valuable time in ANY way. and what she did, mate, is NOT playing games. Asking for a straightforward explanation to why hes acting like an immature 14 year old when hes clearly running out of time is only fair. Hes the one playing games going ooh im not interested in a relationship but I want you and I wanted you a week ago but not today. ANother thing: get a real job man, trying to break through a band when your almost middle aged..? grow up.

    you may very well be one of the last honest guys out there but your honesty is uncalled for and though it may be your honest opinion it doesnt exactly help anyone now does it? if all you do is offend females then Id say you need to go out there and get some experience yourself and learn how to see it from both perspectives. Not all males are the same and the same goes for females.

  • http://www.thelasthonestguy.com The Last Honest Guy

    Sweetheart, you’ve obviously been through this exact situation yourself and that’s why you’re reacting all bitter.

    But one thing is for sure, I can only help the people who want help. You can go ahead a live thinking everything I say is wrong and that’s completely fine with me. You’ll be the one getting hurt time after time, not me.

  • anonymous

    Whoever is answering these post is unbelievably insensitive and obviously very depressed and unhappy. I would honestly ignore every answer on this site. This guy is a player.

  • delajungla

    I actually agreed with his answer on this one…the girl is definitely a drama queen.. or maybe just an average 21 year old girl. Either way, she needs to relax.

  • http://www.thelasthonestguy.com The Last Honest Guy

    Thank you!

  • Themadampanda

    Hmm this sounds like complex situation from what I’ve gathered however,to the aurthor of the response I see where you’re coming from. However, i agree that yes this gentlemen had other things going on in his life style like a lot of adults usually have ;but he should have made it clear to the young lady that he wasn’t interested in dating her.Also,on the young ladies behalf I do blieve she did over react about the calls and the text not being answered in a frequent manner and she should have realized by the gentlemen’s reactions that he wasnt interested in pursuing a relationship with the young lady. Thus, the young lady felt cheated and used which is normal in a sitatuion as such.

  • Anonymous

    I am receiving mixed signals from my husband. He constantly says, “I love you”. If I’m hurt, mad or angry…which seems to be the case most times then, I don’t respond in like manner. 1st-He’s a Christian and I am also. We are not perfect people neither, are we portraying the life we lead as Christ’s word outlines. My main issue with spouse is communication (lack). Secondary issue is, my husband is act of self-righteous. For example, we have a heated discussion prior to an engagement. During this engagement my husband is very cordial, attentive to my needs, displaying Christian like values. After engagement,  we’re alone as we drive home his actions/demeanor is as though discussion didn’t end rather was a break. As a Christian women I feel he isn’t right and deeply bothers my  sense of right & wrong.  I do not like playing games like this. He’s well aware of how it makes me feel. Because it is phony and dishonest, in my eyes. It sends the wrong message to me as a women and as his wife. So we drive along he witholds words, lack of care, insensitivity and deliberate behavior awhile pretending I’m not a person. As such, the prolonged silence angers me all the more and keep me from desiring him and his invitation of engaging in intimacy.  I resign myself from him. Withdrawal is how I cope. Insuring that no hurt & pain enters. Therefore I stay away from him. I reserve myself to the bedroom and journalize thoughts, feelings plus, days events (good or bad). Because writing is soothing and its my passion. I can’t connect to him. No matter what I do or try to do as his wife and Christian. Simply to expect his silent, sarcastic and impenetrable denial. Not to mention when he’s wrong refuses to acknowledge it. Again ignoring the precepts of Christ like behavior. I’m aware of my short-comings and don’t expect nor, do I ask much of and from him. But it is truly upsetting to know we are/I am fed up with childish antics. Nevertheless, I feel he is cheating/committing adultery. It may be a nothing! Then again I’m not sure based on his behavior. It could be he’s not physically cheating but, fooling himself by thinking it’s fine to communicate and connect with a women (friendly manner) and that’s the extent of it. Until, one day presents itself and he committs adultery. What appears innocent and starts innocently can be detrimental to a relationship. I’m stuck and it sucks. I can understand how she feels. It’s not a good feeling!  Any suggestions or comments are greatly appreciated.Please send your thoughts to my comment. 

    Graciously Yours,

    “Classy1″

  • Diapersnlime

    Hey, im a player… I was in 2 horrible relationships and thats pretty much all she wrote on that emotional romantic bullshit for a long long time (sad, im one of those tall, attractive fitness model types too…soery girls, another one lost to the affects of dating borderline, degenerate whores) so as u can imagine, I find flaws left and right in women, I almost always side with men in relationship issues.
    But on this one, that first poster hit the nail on the head. This guy is a dick, not even I can agree with him. The guy in the OPs post sounds like a sociopath whos always letting people down out of lack of concern for anyone but himself. Just my honest opinion. He’ll never committ to anyone, he’ sucking off some poor old lady, he’s in a “band” because he can’t keep a real job. Ignore the psycho. He’s a loser. And the “honest guy” responding on here, is HONESTLY nothing but an ignorant asshole.

  • katie

    I agree with The Last Honest Guy. This girl has the right to be a little ticked off about missed appointments for calls and whatnot, but she freaked out at him for it when he has a lot of responsibilities. Plus, since this is his first try at romance in a long time he may have just panicked and wanted to put the breaks on. But seriously, just because he kissed you doesn’t mean he is now your boyfriend. Don’t push, just let it go. He’s not ready for what you want, and you got a little demanding a little too fast. You have to take things really slowly and carefully with people who are jumpy about getting back into dating.

  • Ivan Ivković

    Oh come on, why make it so complicated – I like you you like me let’s get hooked up or vice versa. Simple hehe

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