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Is it a surprise to find your man cheating when you refuse to put out?

Is it a surprise to find your man cheating when you refuse to put out? post image

Today I present you a guest post from a good friend of mine, Chrystal Rose from Together we tackle this question and present you the point of view of both a female and a male.


Well that’s an easy question: A surprise? No. This is men we‘re talking about here.

Sex is a barometer for a relationship. If you aren’t having any then you have problems bigger than sex. Creating sexual warfare by using it as a weapon is a surefire way to drive a wedge and resentment between you and your partner. Or if you fuck him 5 ways til Sunday only to change your tune when you get what you want– like engaged or married. As a woman you need to understand that what you’re not willing to do—some other woman will be.

I’ve actually experienced the reverse, my ex-boyfriend refused to put out and I was lucky if I got laid once a month. Once a month! I tried talking to him about it, crying about it, begging for it, traipsing around in lingerie, ignoring it—nothing worked. Because I was an overly sexual person he used sex as a way to control me. It made me crazy and not to mention my confidence level dropped considerably.

Even though they may not show it, I’m sure men would feel much the same way. Maybe if you aren’t putting out they feel like they aren’t good enough at pleasing you or that there’s something wrong with them. Men aren’t as good at expressing their feelings and bringing up issues they’re having in the relationship. Instead they become even more withdrawn. They start to seek a confidence boost elsewhere usually with a co-worker or someone they see on a regular basis that they feel comfortable opening up to, which could absolutely lead to cheating.

Am I saying if you don’t put out cheating is justified? No, of course not. But don’t be surprised if it happens.


So, we’ve all heard of the typical story of a woman crying her balls out over finding out her boyfriends has been cheating on her, right? But have you noticed that more often than not when you dig a little deeper, you come to find out that the main reason for the infidelity is the lack of sexual activity in the relationship. For some mysterious reason, women sometimes feel it’s ok to get her man accustom to a certain sexual regularity just to some day decide they want to stop just because they don’t feel like having sex anymore or feel once a month is sufficient.

Let’s get one thing clear, I’m on board with people being able to decide when and how often they’re willing to have sex with someone else. At the same time it has to be understandable, that if a woman suddenly decides to stop having sex with a man just because she doesn’t “like it” anymore that he’s not necessarily going to magically feel the same way as her.

So, to be surprised and cry about finding your man cheating on you when you refuse to put out has to be a joke. In fact, I’m going to go a step further and say that it should be expected, although not necessarily right, that if you take sex away from a guy that he’s going to go look for it somewhere else.

It’s very simple, sex to a guy is like food. When a guy is really hungry he’s not going to wait till next month to eat, he’s going to go out and find food that instant.

Look, when a guy decides to be with a woman and have a relationship with her, that decision is based not only on the fact that there’s chemistry between the two but also because he’s under the impression that he will get laid on a regular basis. This assumption is due to the fact that during the first periods of a relationship a woman usually has as much sex as her man wants in order to tie him down or get what she wants from him; usually a big rock on her finger.

You got to remember that if you suddenly decide to take that VERY important part (sex) of the relationship away, you basically become a totally different person to him. The woman he knows and loves is one that aside from being cool, she’s also always willing to give it up in the bedroom when he needs it. By taking that away, you end up creating this confusion in a man where he doesn’t know what to do with a relationship in which he has invested so much time only to find out he was deceived by this woman who only pretended to like sex as much a he did until she got what she wanted.

I agree that the obvious answer to a situation like this one is to leave the relationship instead of cheating but in reality it’s not that easy. If you’ve been with a person for a long period of time and the only thing wrong is the lack of sex, it becomes a really tough decision to make. The emotional side of a man wants to stay with this great girl who fulfills his heart but the physical side wants to leave and find someone who will satisfy his body.

The bottom line is that sex plays a very important part of a relationship, specially to a man. So important, that I really don’t think women are actually able to see it the way a man does simply because by nature the sex drive of a woman is generally lower than a man’s. Heck, some men ONLY want to get married because they foolishly think that by getting married they’re going to have access to a vagina 24/7. What I’m trying to say is that sex is so important to a man that he’s willing to go to such extremes in order to get as much of it as needed. Hard to believe and understand, huh? But so true.

The solution to this big mess is to be yourself from day one. Don’t just have as much sex with a man as he wants just because you think that’s the way to keep him interested in you. In the long run it ends up backfiring on you and it creates unnecessary drama and time wasted by both people. Rather be completely consistent when it comes to sex in the relationship you’re in. Don’t just go from doing it every day to just doing it once a month.

The other alternative and the one I recommend is to just make a great effort to be there for your man, even if sometimes you’re not in the mood. I guarantee it makes a big difference to a man and most importantly it makes him happy. You will reduce the risk of having him go somewhere else to look for it and the relationship will run a lot smoother. Put it this way, a women wants a man who will be there to support her emotionally and take care of her, on the same token a man just wants a women who will put out. It sounds simple, because it is.

The reason this is a hard concept for women to understand is because for men sex is probably in the top 3 reasons he wants to be in a relationship, as for women sex tends to come way later on that list. Am I right? Ladies, where do you put sex on your list of priorities in a relationship, be honest?

Author’s Bio:

Chrystal writes about what’s on her mind and is never afraid to say it. Her site is where she expresses her musings on life, love, sex, dating and relationships. She’s also an aspiring author hoping to publish her first book in the (hopefully) near future. You can follow her on Twitter via the handle @xtal_rose and fan her on
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  • Sabrina

    I hate to say this, and I am totally against cheating, but a part of me doesn’t blame a person if they are THAT sexually deprived.  I know sex is not everything in a relationship, but if defines a huge part of it.  If there is no sex life, there is no intimacy, no connection.  It would be easy to become distant in a situation like that.  However, cheating is NO excuse.  Problems should be discussed and if one isn’t willing to compromise, the relationship should probably be terminated.

  • The Last Honest Guy

    Definitely agree with you…

  • sarah

    What a horrible society we live in. This piece doesn’t apply to the people with morals/ who wait until they’re married to be intimate with a man. I refuse to let anyone use me for sex.

  • katie

    Genuinely, I am a girl and I feel like the male side of this article applies more to me than the female one. I haven’t cheated, but my sex drive is much higher than my boyfriend’s- and it hurts. He is genuinely just not that interested. He isn’t the controlling type, he just has other priorities. I tried everything. I really feel unwanted. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to leave him, but I really hate this.

  • The Last Honest Guy

    I would first try to talk to him about it and see what he’s thinking and if he’s willing to do something about it. If that doesn’t solve the problem then you’ll have to make a decision either to end the relationship or forever be dissatisfied sexually.

  • Indiallama

    Hi, I`d just like to let you all know that I was in a four-month serious relationship with a “man” my age, we were both 40 at the time, and had sex almost every day, and sometimes, several times a day…yes, I still caught him red-handed with another woman he had just had sex with. They both denied it…lol…wow, I must look dumber that I think if they thought I`d believe that. Anyway, as I was trying to get the key to open our front door, I realized that he had locked it with the inside lock (which, by the way, he rarely used.)  They both came to the door, she was naked with a sheet wrapped around her.  He looked totally shocked…imagine, he never expected for me to come back to the apartment that we both shared…??!!  Seriously? 

  • The Last Honest Guy

    First of all, there’s no such thing as a “four month serious relationship” lol
    Also, if you caught your man cheating on you, there’s a reason for that; as I said before there’s no such thing as a “four month serious relationship” and it’s obvious it wasn’t “serious” for him!

  • liz

    stay consistent to that thinking and you will find a man who will respect that.

  • mike

    I cheated on my wife because she stop having sex with me, only once a month maybe. I stay in good shape and even try to spice things up to no avail. I’m sorry but mad because I tried to get her to understand that I love her and like sex with her . I feel guilty all the time and feel like ending it but now but fill better after reading this article . She drove me to someone who liked sex . she enjoyed doing things my wife stop doing after we got marred . She promised me more if we got married

  • The Last Honest Guy

    Completely understand where you’re coming from and thanks for sharing your personal experience. Bottom line is that man and women have different priorities when it comes to a relationship. Just like women love a man who brings them flowers and is thoughtful, we love a woman who puts out when we need it. No two ways about it.

  • abcdefg

    It isn’t always about the man wanting to have sex. I am female. I was stuck in a marriage for 20 years to the father of my 2 children. After the second baby was born the sex just stopped. I got laid maybe once a year. Really. I finally cheated, once, and he was devastated when I admitted it (admitted it on my own with no prompting on his part). I was stuck married to a man that didn’t want sex, didn’t desire me (I look at photos of myself back then and I was still reasonably HOT), tore me down emotionally on that level and wanted nothing to do with me as a woman. I was his chief cook, bottle washer, built in nanny, housekeeper, accountant and part time companion/friend. I would have been happy with sex twice a week or so. Don’t give me this crap about how women don’t “put out”. There are several instances where it is the other way around. I think the top 3 reasons why many men want a woman is just to have them take care of all the details of their petty, insignificant lives, and then leave them emotionally bankrupt.

  • Demian Sorin


  • Jose Facio

    Well good luck with life

  • Nonsense

    Did not read because how is this even a question? Of course a woman should not be one bit surprised if a man cheats on her for not putting out.

  • The Last Honest Guy

    Thank you!

  • Cheese Louis

    Fair point! It’d be great if all our partners discussed and try to meet our sexual needs.

  • The Last Honest Guy


  • HeManWomanHater

    It goes for women too…
    Those soulless succubus’s can own a man’s unconditional love and in one day, break up with him, taking his heart with her, and be banging his best friend less than an hour later. And wonder why he loses his mind and acts psycho. Being dumped hurts more than anything in the world. And the world does in fact end fir a lot of us. And it takes months to recover. While she’s moved on and living with a new man, we suffer pure agony.

    But no I’m not surprised when a spouse cheats. All women cheat. It’s their nature. Their DNA. Their karma.

  • Josey

    If a women is not putting out there must be some reason behind it. It he not woo-ing her? Is he insulting or degrading her worth? Is he eye balling the girl on their trip to the grocery store? Those are the kinds of things that will make a woman uninterested. If that’s not the case than the woman is probably unfaithful herself. But to cheat just bc she “isn’t putting out” is NOT her fault, that’s the mans fault. No man just jumps in bed with any random woman. A relationship had to be created and he certainly allowed that relationship to cross boundries. So no, I don’t think it has anything to do with not putting out. He who cheats preplanned those circumstances.

  • Josey

    the fact that you chose another woman is a sign that the relationship was over long ago. The fact that you pre planned having sex with another woman had nothing to do with your wife. I’m tired of people blaming other individuals for their mistakes. You could have easily left your wife but instead u stayed and tested the water with a other woman.

  • Limit CSXi™

    Because leaving your wife equals divorce, which equals an 80% chance of financial rape…

  • JJ


  • Uncontainable Spirit

    So basically it’s the man’s fault. Gotcha…

  • Mike End

    “No man just jumps in bed with any random woman.”

    …Uhhh I would. If i am not in a relationship and we are both up for it…I will give anything a go. I might just get my world rocked. Soo HERE is ONE GUY who will. Quit making your Broad Generalizations in a feeble attempt to “shift the blame”

  • Jen

    Tell me this, if your husband NEVER initiates sex or intimacy, am I still “refusing?” The only time sex occurs is if I initiate. I’m not given the option to refuse. Sex would happen more if I was pursued. Shouldn’t he share initiating responsibility? We have 3 small children.

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