I am in the process of deciding if it is worth it to invest in counseling with my fiancée. We both have issues with anger, and have tempers that can flare. I have done extensive work on myself in this area, however, and along with almost completely not cursing, or yelling, he has continued in this way.
He is older than me, and that could mean more set in his ways, but I broke up with him a month and half ago, but have since asked him if he will get counseling alone, and together. He says he will…..we shall see…. but I wanted to know if you have any suggestions for how he responds. He likes to blame, and not look at his own doing in any given fight. He does a lot of extra special things for me, almost kisses my butt, but when there is frustration he doesn’t use coping skills well. I don’t want to kid myself, and although I love him that is an action, not a verb, and I do not want an abusive marriage.
I appreciate your responding to this please.
Let me start by saying that I’m glad you’re not married to this guy yet. The reason I say this is because I believe that when you’re engaged to someone it’s because you’re one hundred percent positive you want to spend the rest of your life with this person.
The reason a women says “yes” to a man when he asks her to marry him is not because she thinks it’s the right thing to say, or because she doesn’t want to make him feel bad.
The reason a woman says “yes” when a man pops the question is because in her mind there’s absolutely no doubt this is the right person for her. To be honest with you, from the sounds of your question, I don’t think you’re in that place. And I don’t think it’s smart to make a life long commitment to someone knowing that you’re not in a place where you’re absolutely crazy about that person.
Now, to answer your question, I think what we have here is someone who tries to make up for his bad actions by acting like the nicest person in the world afterwards. He has an anger problem that he can’t control and every time he mistreats you he feels bad and turns around by bringing you the world. In reality he’s only doing that out of guilt for treating you like crap.
Quite honestly I don’t think counseling will help at all. He is who he is and you have two options, either accept him or walk away.
I really don’t believe in trying to change a person in order to like them. I believe in searching for a person who naturally have the characteristics you’re looking for. Someone who behaves and acts the way you want them to without telling them. Someone who does all these things because it’s in them to do them and not because they’re forced to.
Believe me, it is possible to find that person but it takes a lot of patience and constant searching. You have to have a clear definition of what you’re looking for first and then begin a search for it. Unfortunately a lot of people just want to make it work with what they have and as a result they get stuck with someone who will only bring a life of constant fights and disagreements.
Hopefully you won’t be one of them and will really take the time to analyze your situation and make the appropriate decision. Always keep in mind that just because you said yes to the proposal it doesn’t mean you can’t back up and break it up. Good luck.